by Jim Mcinvale

Created on: January 02, 2010   Last Updated: January 03, 2010

The Top Five Fitness Rules for the New Year

Many of us start the year determined to build the bodies of Greek Gods, only to settle for Sedentarious (a second tier figure of Greek mythology, known to some as the soft and flabby god of cushioned recliners and home entertainment systems). It was not always that way for me, I once was fit, and I sometimes still visit the gym, but I have battled and defeated the exercise obsession that robs its victims of body fat and leaves them unpadded, unpliable, and miserable. These days I most often visit the gym after the start of the New Year, when it is packed with the temporarily resolute and perpetually pudgy optimists determined to rock in the following New Year with rock-hard abs. We will be back on our couches by spring (returned to the temple of Sedentarious), but until then I can strut around the gym like the fitness fanatic I once was.

I very well remember when I was in the grips of the madness. No morsel crossed my lips without being scrutinized for its calorie, carb and saturated fat content. I anguished over any mid-section flesh that could be pinched and fell guilt stricken on days that I ran less than ten miles. Exercise plans consumed my daytime thoughts and ever more aggressive goals filled my dreams. I owe my freedom to the good friends and family that, through temptation and example, showed me the way to a sedentary life of sloth and excess. It is in appreciation to them, and in that spirit of sharing and caring, that I offer these five rules:

The ‘Pay-By-The Month’ rule. We both know where you’ll be when March madness rolls around and, if you are like me, an un-used annual membership only adds to the guilt, and guilt makes us hungry. The ‘Ban the Spandex’ rule (otherwise known as the ‘You Like Lycra More than Lycra Likes You’ rule). If you’ve ever tried to wrap up the leftover holiday ham without quite enough plastic wrap to handle the task, you will understand why this is a good rule. No matter how hard you try to cover it all, something always bulges out. Anyone that has ever been positioned behind a tightly-packed portly person in a yoga class will also appreciate the importance of this rule. The ‘Helga, Hans, and Franz’ Rule. Should you opt for a personal trainer, choose one without a German name. This rule needs no further explanation. The ‘Mid-Morn Sojourn’ Rule. If you target the hours between 8:00 and 11:00 AM for your visits to the gym, you can, to the benefit of your ego, avoid most of the would-be models and young muscle builders. The retirees and escaped Mothers that comprise the mid-morning crowd are a generally non-judgmental lot, and in the case of the elders, and also to your advantage, they are not so keen of vision. The ‘Keep Your Bottom off the Bike’ rule. Generally, bikes are sleek and elegant devices that, by way of contrast, call greater attention to bulky objects placed on top of them (like your posterior, for example). I once overheard a friend addressing another chubby friend make perhaps the most elegant statement of this rule possible. He said, “Hey Mick, I saw you on the street yesterday, but I couldn’t tell if you were riding a bike or just had a playing card tucked in your butt cheeks.”

 Follow these simple rules and you have a good chance of surviving the resolution season with your self-esteem intact, if a bit tattered, and you have most of the year left to prepare for the next round.

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