by Mark Waybill

Created on: January 01, 2010   Last Updated: January 02, 2010

To tell somebody you want to return their gift is impolite in the extreme. To view it in any other manner would be to resort to utilitarian arguments along the lines of 'it is taking up space' or 'it requires constant cleaning'. It is far better to dispose of the gift without informing the sender of the fact unless it is necessary, e.g if they notice it missing.

To outright inform somebody you want to return a present from them seems uncivilized and unnecessary. Whilst many gifts are not wanted it is not exactly polite to tell the sender this. After all, if the thought really is what counts, surely to do so would be to spoil the whole point of giving gifts in the first place, i.e a social gesture serving to strengthen bonds between individuals within society.

Of course, there is one exception. A gift that is an experience had by both parties, the sender and the receiver, say, a ticket to a concert for instance, is an example of a gift where a polite refusal would be acceptable and not impolite. Of course that does not mean one should refuse merely on some whim or fancy, or because it 'isn't their sort of thing', rather if it was competing with an appointment or other important event or if it went against the receiver in some way.

For instance, a sender gives a receiver a ticket to go on a roller coaster at a theme park. The receiver has a fear of heights, or a heart condition etc. Obviously it wold be the best thing to do to politely refuse the invitation. But if there is really no reason to not accept the gift, or the gift is of the normal variety (say a box of chocolates if the receiver had an allergy to chocolate) then the polite thing to do would be to dispose of it secretly.

Of course, this could lead to problems. By not informing the sender of ones allergy to chocolate, in future they might spend a large amount on food one can not eat. Honesty is always the best policy. But where this continuation is unlikely and the gift is of a one off nature, by not informing them, of ones disposing of the gift, no dishonesty exists.

When asked whether one liked the gift or not, of course the honest thing to do is to explain the situation. But when it is the thought hat counts, perhaps here the realm of the truly 'white' lie begins. However all these scenarios involved a sender and receiver of a remote nature, say, a pen pal or distant relative. In the case of a close friend, especially if they live near one and spend much time with one, honesty is probably the best way to go.

Learn more about this author, Mark Waybill.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.