by Chris Stubbs

Created on: December 29, 2009

By the time you have made the choice to live together, there will have been a level of compromise that defines the relationship. When a couple feels comfortable enough to take the plunge of unity, they will have established "unwritten laws" that will allow them to begin organizing their relationship. Clarity in these "rules and boundaries" will allow a couple to decide each others role in the leadership of the family as a whole. There are exceptions to the successful norm: these couples will have to learn of that compromise mentioned above before moving in together has much of a benefit for anyone, especially the children. If you are ready, there is no definitive guide to make the best of moving in with children. What you can do, is carry with you a series of personal checks that allow insurance that the family is moving in the right direction. There are also some things to look out for to ensure that you catch things before they end up too far downhill.

Define principles over family values and tradition.

There are always going to be those "This is the way we do things." feelings of uniqueness. The reality is that all things Good in this world are governed by a handful of immutable principals. Families may have their own way of doing things, but it's important to focus more on what the traditions create than the traditions themselves. Opinions and preferences should always be second to the outcome of the resulting behaviors. Bedtimes, for instance, that are different on each side should be met in the middle. If his kids go to bed at ten and hers at nine, 9:30 would be the only thing that makes sense. The end goal for a bedtime is the establishment of structure, and healthy sleep. If an end can be reached where the end goal is met, then it doesn't matter how you are "used" to doing things.
Keep a line of critical communication open in the beginning.

Everyone deserves to speak their mind in this situation, especially the children. Under no circumstances should any stone be left unturned. People often ignore issues that may be deal breakers, under the assumption that things will get ironed out along the way. When things like religion and culture are not put on the table to begin with, people try to manipulate each others views in subtle ways. This can only lead to resentment and confusion in the end. When couples move in together with different strategies of raising their children, and decide "later" to put their foots down, they will only be met with grief and mistrust. No one strategy works the best when raising a family, so if you decide to put your foot down after he or she has given you their family, it is too late. When the decision has been made to commit to each other, compromise and persuasion takes over from there. A successful blended family will lay out their future with hope and ambition, and become new in the process. This hope for something brighter and more stable is what will protect the children from any fear of change that might haunt them.

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