by Patricia Parker

Created on: December 25, 2009

I have the feeling that this topic belongs on David Letterman's show. Every want should have a punch line, garner a big laugh and generate  raucous applause. In this vein, here is my list of top 10 things I want most. You may hold your applause until the end.

#10 - Enough snow on the ground during the holidays to make it festive yet not enough to bring out the city snow plow crew who annually knock down my curbside mailbox while simultaneously running over my driveway tulip bed which invariably leads to spring time tulips looking like they've been trampled by an over zealous, mega ton machine being driven by a giddy driver high on the fact that he is now on holiday overtime pay.

#9 - A freezer full of meat that defrosts itself at 5:00 p.m., right before my husband gets home from work because I've spent the bulk of the day watching Oprah, Ellen, Joy, Regis, Kelly, Maury, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Judge Judy, and reruns of the David Letterman show.

#8 - A dishwasher that automatically removes the dishes from my table, rinses them off, sorts them by size and composition, loads them correctly and knows exactly what cabinet they belong back in after they are spotlessly cleaned, dried and sanitized. It would also help if it could magically turn itself on since I usually get up in the morning having no cereal bowl or orange juice glass because they are still dirty.

#7 - A telephone that not only answers itself but is capable of carrying on a coherent conversation. This would be especially desirable should you be dealing with banks, credit card companies or your child's math teacher.

#6 - How about jeans that don't sag in the butt, sweaters that don't accentuate every roll, bras that actually are designed for a woman, underwear that doesn't ride up, pajamas that don't itch and winter hats that don't make you look like a refugee.

#5 - I think I'd also want to have adult children that don't whisper about you behind your back as they begin the process of selecting the short straw to see who doesn't get you in your old age.

#4 - Chili con Carne, pizza with extra sausage, chocolate truffles, red wine, German potato salad and Greek olives that don't come back to haunt you in the middle of the night.No wonder I watch so many Letterman shows.

#3 - The unlimited use of the neighborhood mall all by myself. There should be no skinny teen-age girls within six miles, husbands who constantly check their wrist for the time, toddlers who run and trip you at every turn and swarthy, bored store clerks who blatantly lie to your face and tell you that the size 4 is exactly the right fit.

#2 - A car that actually runs on fumes. I've heard my husband attest to this many times but have yet to witness it for myself.

#1 - The innate ability to make people laugh or at least chuckle when they read something I've written. I guess I'm just an Erma Bombeck wannabe after all.

Learn more about this author, Patricia Parker.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.