by Rhonda Buffington

Created on: December 24, 2009

Knowing when a parent should give more freedom to their teenager is more than just saying they can go to the skating rink at this age or date at that age. Without thinking about it, parents are giving freedom throughout the years, as the child grows. As a child becomes a toddler, parents give freedom by letting the child attempt to stand and take those first steps. If that child was held at all times and not given the freedom to stand and learn how to take those steps, the child could not learn to walk.

As children grow into teenagers, parents have to give serious thought as to whether they should give more freedom to their teen. Parents also have to decide if the teenager is responsible enough to not take advantage of the additional freedom they are given. The teen years are some of the hardest times, but also some of the best times of growing up.

If a teenager has been going to the skating rink or movie theater with friends on the weekends and has shown to be trustworthy, it's time to give a little more freedom if they ask to stay out a little later one night.

If a teenager is a well behaved child who does well in school, helps with chores at home and shows respect, there is no reason parents shouldn't trust this teen with a little more freedom as he or she grows. Until a teenager breaks the trust with a parent, it is best to let them have a reasonable amount of freedom.

My daughter came to me when she was 15 years old and asked if she could go to a friends birthday party. Without much thought, I told her she could go. She came back to me later and said she wanted to remind me that April was “pretty wild” and they would have alcohol at the party. She said “Can I still go?” I told her that I appreciated her honesty and explained the pressure she would probably be under, if she put herself in that situation.

Most people would not have handled this the way I did. I let her make the decision on whether she would go to the party. I told her that I knew she had a good head on her shoulders and that I trusted her judgment. The next evening she told me that she decided not to go to the party. Her reason: if it was reported that she was at a party with alcohol, even if she didn't drink any alcohol, she would be kicked off of the basketball team. In my heart I knew what she would do, but it was important that she be the one to make that choice. It showed her that I trusted her judgment and gave her the confidence that she could make a good choice on her own.

Having raised our kids over the years, we need to trust that the teenager will use their best judgment when making decisions. They will not always use their best judgment; just as adults don't always use their best judgment. Give teens a little more freedom as they “earn it” and take away some freedom if they break the trust. If a child has started causing problems and not obeying rules, they have probably be given too much freedom. Equally important - being too strict - parents will often find that the teen has started sneaking and lying.

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