by Chris Torgersen

Created on: December 23, 2009

Dear Santa Claus,

I have been very good this year. That kid who wrote the threatening letter to Sara Mitchell, he wasn’t me. He just looks like me. So if you were watching, that wasn’t me and you shouldn’t count that against me. The same kid is also the one who poisoned the Gonzalez dogs, dropped the rock on the car from the overpass, and peed in Ms. Olson’s coffee. Not me. I’ve been really good. In fact, if you saw someone you thought was me doing something bad, it was probably that other kid. I don’t know his name, but it should go on his record, not mine. I’ve been pretty much perfect.

So here is my list of things I want. I spent a long time thinking about these things, and I’m putting them in order. I want the top stuff most. I am expecting to get at least three of the top 5 and two others from anywhere else. If not, I’ll be really unhappy and I’ll probably start doing bad things because obviously being good doesn’t get me anywhere, and I’ve been really good this year. I even gave my sister a popsicle. I learned where the North Pole is in school last month, so if I have a problem I know where to go now, and I will go.

1. A pet rhino. I’ve had this on the list for three years now and I still haven’t gotten it. I’m moving it to the top because it’s really important. No one can stop me if I have a rhino.

2. A teleportation belt that lets me go anywhere just by thinking about it. I could get into all kinds of places with something like that. I could even visit Daddy in his cell.

3. Control of the weather. If I could control the weather, people would do what I say because otherwise I could make a tornado knock their houses over.

4. An electric guitar that turns into a laser gun. My mother says I should learn an instrument, and that’s the coolest one I can think of. Plus, it can be used for more than one thing.

5. A heart transplant for my brother. If he dies he can never pay me the money he owes me for not cutting off his cat’s tail. I didn’t know that stuff I sprinkled on his burger would mess up his heart. Honest. I just thought it would make him have to poop.

6. Hydrofluoric acid. It can eat through glass, and even some kinds of metal! I can think of so many uses. I would also need all the gear for handling it, too.

7. Night vision goggles. Sometimes there are things I like to do that can’t be done with the light on, but turning off the light makes it hard to see.

8. A Pez dispenser that never runs out. It just always has Pez in it. Pez is great!

9. A bag of walnuts. Jesse is allergic to them and I promised him that if he didn’t pledge allegiance to me I would give him some. The corner store never has any, and it’s getting frustrating because now I look like a liar.

10. Purple. I like the color purple. I would like to own it.

11. Pictionary. It’s my favorite game!

I trust that your elf slaves will have no trouble making these things, but if they do, please write back. I am willing to negotiate if there are some parts of items that you can’t get done in time. I’m a very kindhearted and understanding person, so if some of the less important things have to wait until next year or something, I can mostly be okay with that, as long as the important stuff comes.

 Thanks Santa. Merry Christmas.

 Love,

 Mal

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