by Anika Van Boerum

Created on: December 22, 2009

It's been so long since that first and only time I fell so desperately and completely in love.  I am no longer a young woman.  My eyes haven't sparkled, bright and wide, in many years.  I don't stumble around, grinning like a moron, unable to concentrate on even the least of my tasks throughout my day.  But I do, however, carry the longing.  I still long for the butterflies that have escaped my stomach.  I long for the absolute bliss that you find in every second of your day....when you are in love.

I find, lately, that the longing is palpable.  I am not satisfied with the comfort that goes along with a relationship of many years.  I am greedy.  I want it back, all of it.  My stomach would do flips at the sound of my telephone ringing.  His voice was the most beautiful sound my mind could imagine.  When he walked in the room, it was as if he glowed .  No one else existed.  I miss the safety I felt being lead by him through a crowd.  I miss the smell of his car and his jacket.

It was, and still is, a miracle when you not only discover how deeply your emotions can run for another human being, but when the feeling is mutual.  In my dreams, I am 18 again.  I see him for the first time, in the corner of the room.  He is the physical embodiment of my ideal man.  In a matter of minutes, he is looking down at me and he says, "Hey, I'm....".   That was the second my whole life changed.  It was impossible that this beautiful creature should see me for what I am, with all my quirky and clumsy flaws, and love me.  He loved ME.  Not my free-spirited friend with the body of a super-model.  Not my hilarious friend who was always the life of the party.  Not all the girls that ogled him and tripped over their words everywhere we went.  I loved him and he loved me back. 

I was always so awkward around guys that were attracted to me.  I had crush after crush, but they quickly ended when they would suddenly express an interest in me.  I was the last of my friends to remain a virgin.  It was not due to any religious reason, I simply wanted to be in love first.  I watched all of my friends make choices that they lived to regret, and I refused to do the same.  I began to think that maybe they were right, and I should just give up and get it over with.  I'm so glad I waited.  I had finally found the one I had

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