by Leah Curtis

Created on: December 21, 2009   Last Updated: December 22, 2009

It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.
Brigitte Bardot

I think most people would have some difficulty agreeing with Brigitte Bardot about how it is better to actually be unfaithful than it is to just want to be unfaithful. However, the majority of affairs begin with the “wanting” or the justification stage. If we want to do something badly enough we will find some way of justifying our actions. It is part of being human. How many of us would stand up and say “yes, I had an affair” without trying to offer an excuse as to why?  I was talking to a friend recently. He was trying to justify why his having an affair would not hurt anyone. This is not some awful person, a serial philanderer. This is a good man, unwilling to break up his family but at the same time trying to justify doing something he knows deep down is wrong, although he wants to do it anyway.

An affair changes a marriage whether the person’s spouse finds out or not because a trust has been broken. Even if a person’s spouse or partner does not find out about the affair, the breach of trust is still there, an invisible wall of guilt because you betrayed your partner or you know that, given the chance, you would do it again. Therein lays the residual effect of an affair. If you are caught, you have to deal with the consequences and the reasons you had an affair in the first place. If the affair is not discovered, nothing has changed and the affair has just made it easier to have another affair.

 An affair has a beginning and an end. The course it takes after that may be different for everyone who has an affair, but quite a few aspects are the same. An affair involves planning, which invariably involves lying at some point. An affair does not take place out in the open. If it did, it would not be called an affair. In order to continue having an affair a person must learn to lead two separate lives. To always be aware of things one cannot say to a spouse and things that cannot be said to a lover. Maybe there is an element of excitement in this in the beginning but I would imagine that after a short period, leading two lives would become rather depressing. Sneaking in quick phone calls, remembering to password protect your computer, finding excuses to be away from home, all of these things are pretty standard in an affair.

The person having the affair often begins to look at his or her spouse differently. Things

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