by Mike Duckworth

Created on: February 17, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

Growing up I was always left alone. Raised as an only child after my younger brother had died as a baby. I would be the child walking alone or playing alone in the playground. I wasn't like any other boys around; fit in better with the girls.

For years I tried to figure out why I was different. Still to this day I'm not sure. I have battled substance abuse and self abuse problems my whole life. Just before my eighteenth birthday my Aunt passed away from cancer. It was the best thing for her because it ended her pain. But it was the incident that really triggered years of self abuse.

I was a cutter. I would cut myself and watch the blood just run from my veins. It gave me a sense of freedom. I felt like I was in control of my destiny. It became an addiction. Cutting myself everyday, just to make myself feel good. At one point I carved a mutated cross into my leg. I still have the scar today. At another point I tattooed myself with a needle and ink. Well I did that on three occasions. I would fall asleep holding my knife because it made me feel good. It was always there for me. Unlike anybody I had ever known.

There was also about four years of heavy drinking. Would go on drinking binges for days and no one could even tell a difference in me. And I even had problems with painkillers. I would start a large bottle of painkillers and I would need a new one by the end of the week. These painkillers weren't even that strong. They were just Advil and related painkillers.

During these four years I would get completely moody. Would go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness without even being triggered. I had no one to really turn to. I had of habit of opening up to people and they would run away from me. They would try to stay as far away as possible and all I really needed was to talk to someone. There had been numerous suicide attempts. I can't even remember most of them. I was normally either drunk or high. And I have never gotten into any illegal drugs.

I don't blame anyone for them not wanting to be around me back then. I can't say I was really all that pleasant or stable. It has been three years since I have had a drink and 4 years since I have cut myself. I still have brief periods where I have a hard time with painkillers. I have to take double the dose of whatever is recommended if I want any pain relief.

As far as my problems with females I have recently discovered that it all has to do about confidence. I always lacked confidence. And because I had no confidence I would just be completely shy and just a nice guy.

I thank an ex-girlfriend for being my motivation for quitting drinking. For that I will never forget her. The only reason I stopped cutting was because I was drinking heavier and harder. I am dealing with the painkiller issue and the confidence issue at the same time right now. The only problem is the girl that is helping with one issue is harming the other.

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