by Jo Banks

Created on: December 17, 2009   Last Updated: December 21, 2009

When telling your children about divorce, keep it simple.  Looking back on my experience I really overloaded my children with too much information.  I did way too much explaining.  It was information overload and confusion for my teenagers and younger children.  My guilt level was such that I made my husband out to be a saint.  My children asked:  if dad is so good, then why are you leaving?  The teenagers of course asked the question with a sarcastic tone.

I became an unfamiliar person to them.  Almost telling a story that didn't exist because I was afraid that they couldn't handle what was really going on.  But children see everything.

The most important thing is to prepare your children for what is going to happen.  The information is the lesser priority.  Although it is important to address misinformation, some things are better left unsaid.  In particular, some bitter statements should be addressed in a family counselor's office where they can be mediated and worked out.  There will be time after the divorce to handle these issues.  The immediate issue is preparing your children for the transition of the divorce.

Looking back, I wish I had spent more time planning for the day of the divorce instead of just talking into the air.  They didn't need my words as much as they needed me.  I didn't know what was going to happen the next day but I knew how much I loved them.  I didn't know why this had happened to our family but I knew that we were still a family no matter what.

I think my words just made everybody nervous.  I should have done something familiar.  Maybe I should have put everybody on restriction? Sounds stupid but it would have been familiar.  I could have taken everybody over to my apartment and made dinner.  A mandatory family night would have made things seem familiar and created a sense of business as usual.  Instead, there was chaos and the uncertainty of unscheduled bath times and bedtimes

Children need actions more than they need words.  They watch your every move.  A hug counts more than a thousand “I love your's. “  Kids have a hearing problem sometimes.  “Take out the trash” is never heard and sometimes, “I am always here for you” falls on deaf ears.  So being on time for your visitation is an action that should ring loud and clear.

It has been a really rough year since the divorce.  I've had to work really hard to build trust.  It's all about actions and not words.  When it is your time to explain to your children that you are getting a divorce, make it about actions and not words.  Keep it simple.  Be about actions and the familiar.

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