by Jennifer Bioche

Created on: December 16, 2009   Last Updated: December 18, 2009

As the mother of four children, I’ve spent a lot of time talking with other women and sharing our solutions for raising well-adjusted children.  One such exchange I’ve had over the past months, via emails and sometimes early morning phone exchanges is with my friend Karen who shared with me a common problem.  Her 5th grade son, Jack, was being bullied.

Jack started coming home from school, telling Karen, who was concerned, but not really informed. At first it was occasional shoving at lunch, then fighting, then an all out threat to “come find where you live, teach you a lesson.”   Karen called the teacher, but nothing really changed.  Months dragged out, and her child grew more distressed.

Eventually the principal arranged for a meeting with both sets of parents. When Karen and her husband showed up in good faith, they got a taste of what their son had experienced.

“The Dad just totally went off on me,” said Karen her voice weak and shaky. Then came a discouraging recount of he said/she said, and a principal trying not to take sides. Nothing was resolved. The school year ended, her son was bound to change campuses to start middle school, but so was the offending child.

I ran this by my friend and colleague, Lee D. Joyce, a mother of two who worked for years in management for Northwest airlines. Lee currently is a lead coach for a successful women’s ministry, and offered this brilliant observation about Karen being part of the problem.

“Karen not being a strong person was projecting a victim’s mentality onto her son, probably making him more vulnerable to the bully,” said Lee, who councils women on interpersonal skills and how it relates to parenting.

I knew this to be infinitely true about Karen. She’s a good person but has had trouble in stating her needs. I’ve seen her hesitate to discipline her children, and the reluctance has brought her grief. Often on the phone, she sounds faint and defeated, even after a week-end away with the family.

“I then called the assistant principal of the new middle school to request Jack not be placed in any classes with the offender, but they didn’t reassure me of his safety,” she sighed. Then I realized since her strength wasn’t talking, she could find power in the pen.

Karen drafted a short, but well researched letter to the new school which included the following points two critical points: 1) the school district’s policy on bullying, including the specific codes found readily on-line and 2) a recap of the previous events. This allowed Karen to take charge of the situation, and show the administrators she was looking for specific action. 

Karen then consulted with a family attorney, who advised that any real physical threat would merit a police report. This further encouraged Karen that the law was on her side, and that she didn’t have to wait in fear of another offense.  In the end, her beautifully strong letter then requested a written response from the school, to avoid another open ended discussion. Both she and her husband signed it to show that the family was united on the matter.

Most schools have a no-bullying policy, but it doesn’t totally wipe away the problem. The key is to document and to have the paper trail well on your side. Then if it comes time to go to the authorities, you’ll be well equipped to advocate for your child.

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