by Jennifer Bioche

Created on: December 15, 2009   Last Updated: December 18, 2009

Merry Christmas! In the spirit of Peace on Earth, a recurrent theme for this time of year, I’d like to address the timeless parenting challenge of sibling rivalry. I’m the oldest of four, and now the mother of four, and the dynamics between brothers and sisters is near and dear to my heart.

Kevin Leman’s wonderful “The New Birth Order Book” (Fleming H. Revel, Publisher, 1985) is a delightful read highlighting how where in the family chain we are born affects not only our sibling ties, but how we relate to everyone else.  It explains why first borns behave a certain way, de-myths the middle born child, and discusses the infamous “baby” of the family.

The truth is- siblings fight, disagree, plot with each other to outsmart their parents, and later in life share the larger moments in adulthood - marriage, having one’s own children, and the question of how to care for an aging parent. That’s why it’s very important to teach your children how to get along, not just in the sand box, but for life’s long haul when they’ll really need each other. Here’s what I’ve learned about brotherly and sisterly love:

1) Make it a rule to greet each other daily: Once when coming home from school, my two older sons, ages 12 and 8, gave each other that traditional “oh- you?” look as they made a bee line for the cookie jar. I stopped them and said “boys - say hello to each other”.  They must look their brother in the eye, call him by name and be sincere. They’re not required to be best friends, but it sets the stage for civility and peace in the home.

2) Facilitate Disputes: The same pair of brothers often fight. “Mom! Antoine wants to be manager of the fort - but I told him I already had that job!”  This can be a great lesson in future work place dynamics. I tell the boys to sit down and state two things, calmly: 1) what they don’t like and 2) what they need. This way they don’t attack each other, and also get their voice heard.

3)  Create projects they can enjoy together: This summer it was a brother’s lemonadestand. I incorporated the aspects of running a small business so that our three boys felt like they were part of a team. There was production (making the lemonade), sales, and accounting. When they worked on something together with a successful outcome ($26 in gross sales for one afternoon on a warm city sidewalk), they then had a memory of getting along.4) Photograph the good: I take pictures of the happy times, frame them, and point them out to “the brothers”, complimenting them on their efforts “I really liked how you guys enjoyed that afternoon playing at the creek,” is one example.

Our boys still argue, but with these safe guards in place they also have good experiences with each other, and know that getting along isn’t optional in our family. You can do the same in your home.  A family that promotes peace in their own home is the essence of the holiday spirit that can be enjoyed year round.

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