by Rosemary Redfern

Created on: December 15, 2009   Last Updated: December 16, 2009

Dealing with controlling people at any level is exhausting because they do not give up. The need to stay calm and unchallenging can be difficult to maintain in the face of intransigence and apparent unreason.

Over controlling adults usually lack confidence.  They are unable to cope with any issue unless it is done the way they want it. They are unable to take a flexible approach because it challenges what they have settled in their mind as the best way to do something. Their sense of safety is threatened if another point of view is put forward. Sometimes the control comes about because of rigid beliefs.  This is what is so hard to deal with.

Parents who are conscientious are trying to do their best for their children and some will feel that their authority and sense of what is right cannot be discussed, it is not open to amendment or negotiation.  For the child, who might or might not see how other families work, there seems to be no redress to the rules laid down, however difficult they might seem. The effect of over control can diminish the child’s spontaneity, limit their ability to function well and deaden their belief in themselves. These points immediately limit the child’s ability to respond in a positive way without creating challenges and defiance.

Because the children in the family only really experience the practices of their parents it is hard for them to realize how they might come to terms with their parents controls. Often to deal with controlling adults requires a level of experience and maturity that children don’t have. It is not easy for a child to challenge an adult.  Yet if the child can ask questions, or try to explore what is behind the controls, at a time when there is no issue at stake, they will not appear to be challenging or rude. The child might be able to gain some explanation of why the parents want things done a certain way or why some rules are in place.  When we understand reasons it is often easier to conform, yet many adults have not considered this. 

For adult children who have grown up with the control, psychologically it is also tricky to buck.  But here it is safer to ask the parent to discuss, give reasons, listen to other points of view. If this can be done in a calm, unangry way, it is more likely to have a positive result, even if the result is an agreement to differ.  If the parent is a reasonable person they will begin to take in the fact that their child, as an adult, has the right to do things their way.  If they are intelligent and loving they will realize they can only alienate their offspring by refusing to budge. Relationships are two way.

Dealing with controlling people is not simple.  But unchallenging requests for explanations, discussions done in a calm manner, unaggressive exchanges of points of view or requests to try to do something differently might produce a less rigid response. As most parents love their children, both when they are still living at home and as adults, this is another way into trying to make better communication between the generations. 

Learn more about this author, Rosemary Redfern.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.