by Elizabeth J Baldwin

Created on: February 17, 2007   Last Updated: September 01, 2009

I am going to make an assumption that this particular group of articles involves a father who has children beyond the infant stage and has left all the care to the mother up to this point.

There is no doubt Dad should be involved with the children. Studies have shown that kids who have an involved father are better adjusted and able to cope with life as adults. This is not to say kids raised in a single parent environment can't be well-adjusted and successful, it is just that they have a better chance if Dad gets involved in their lives.

This being said Dads are Dads. They are not Moms. They have a different style of dealing with children and it isn't wrong. It is just different. No matter how much his way of doing things makes a mother cringe, the best way of getting a father involved and keeping him involved is to not criticize how he handles the children. In fact, he should be praised (a little subtly here please) and rewarded for any efforts he makes taking on any child care tasks.
Men, when asked to care for your children, do consider these points; how are your sons going to learn to be good hunter/gatherers if you don't teach them? How are your daughters going to learn how to relate to men if you don't teach them? You do have an important role in your children's lives if you will accept it.

If a woman is trying to get a man who hasn't been taking care of the children at all involved with caring for them she needs to do this in small steps. It is important to keeping him involved by not over facing him with child care tasks at first. Over face is a term horse people use to say you are making a horse face too big an obstacle and he is going to fail and then quit trying. If a father who hasn't been involved with his kids is going to be engaged it needs to be done in small increments, in other words, unless absolutely necessary, don't dump four kids on the guy and leave for a week.
Is his schedule such he can supervise tooth brushing or book reading at bedtime? Maybe he can be more involved at the beginning of the day tying shoes, listening to spelling lessons etc.

A good way might be to see if he would be agreeable to take one child at a time out for a dinner date. It gives them a chance to become acquainted and the kid gets the complete attention of an adult for a little while.
If the only way to do things is have a father involved with all the children the following suggestions might be helpful to introduce him to the idea of taking care of the children. A quick trip to McDonald's or an hour at home while Mom goes to the store is plenty to begin with. Find something nice to say about Dad keeping the kids for that time. Don't say ANYTHING critical or you've just insured he won't be at all interested in repeating the experience.

I will say here that I don't mean a woman should stand completely aside and let the kids get hurt, but if it is just doing things differently and the kids are safe then the woman should go find something else to do while Dad and kids are having their time together.

Another thing is Dad should NEVER be used as a threat (or Mom for that matter) in the manner of "Just wait until your Father gets home." This sort of thing is not going to make for a good relationship between parent and child.
Remember, if a man isn't involved with his children he needs to be engaged in small increments. Set it up so that it is a pleasant experience for him and the children.

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