by Mortimer Evans

Created on: December 14, 2009

I'M TAKING UNCOOL TO BRAND NEW LOWS. 

Just once in my life I’d like to look cool. Just once… 

Since I began running (in a bid to look cool and fit) I have tripped and torn my shorts in front of two women, perspired to the point where I appear dangerously ill, been told I run in an embarrassing manner and even drunk from a dog tap on my hands a knees in a crowded public park.

But all of that pales in comparison to what happened "that night".

The story goes like this...

I set out running in my brand new shoes. They felt great on my feet and my feet felt great inside them. All was good.

As I ran through the dark evening I neglected to see a large puddle that had been caused by a heavily leaking pipe in someone’s garden. I was blinded by the headlights of oncoming cars and deafened by my booming ipod. Soon after, I was soaked by my stupidity.

Not all over, mind… just both my feet. I felt awful and cold, but I shrugged it off and continued to run. “What the heck,” I thought… “It won’t hurt.”

Now, as I mentioned before, I am deafened by my ipod when I run. Some say it’s dangerous because it blocks out the sound of cars, people and leaky garden pipes. Me, I don’t care. It also blocks out the sound of my wheezing, so it makes me feel better.

But what I didn’t know it was now blocking out was an all new sound. Sure, I could FEEL my wet sock heels rubbing against the inside backs of my shoes.. but I couldn’t HEAR my wet sock heels rubbing against the inside backs of my shoes. Not yet, anyway.

As I jogged on through the nearby park, I was lifted by the booming tunes of the Basement Jaxx in my earholes and finally felt like I had some good rhythm and movement happening. There was a spring in my moist step.  Up ahead… six girls doing a boxercise class. Just once I wish they’d turn and check me out. I was running so well.

Suddenly, they stopped. 

As I approached, the entire class stopped and turned to watch me go past. I smiled in amazement and sucked in my stomach to try and look fitter than usual. Two of them laughed… the other four looked confused. I hung my head and tried to work out what I was doing so wrong.

That’s when the song ended.

The thing is, this song had a long gap after it. Sometimes that happens and when it does it usually annoys me a little bit. This time, that little bit of annoyance was made a whole lot worse, because now

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