by Christina Clare

Created on: December 12, 2009

Women are complicated creatures. I hate to admit it but they are complicated. Just look at me. Here I am, staring at the  spinning fan until I feel a bit dizzy. How I wish I can be a fan. I don't have to think about my oily face and my limp hair. All I do is spin and spin and make myself useful to others.

Tonight, I hate myself. Because I think that I'm the ugliest woman on earth. And if there were any straw poll on who's going to replace Sarah Jessica Parker as the unsexiest woman alive, one of the nominees will be me. Definitely. Oh. I hate myself for hating myself. And I don't even know why should I take this stupid time and stupid trouble to think about this stupid thing; when I can just sit in front of my notebook, doing some sophisticated work, pretending so hard to look charismatic, busy yet still cute. Oh. I am a total lunatic. And I was not in any way attacked earlier, or my pinky ring was robbed or I got the wrong eye shadow colors with the wrong top. It's just that (sigh) I'm ugly. I just feel that I'm ugly. Terribly ugly. My theories are 1) I'm having my period soon and this is only part of the hormonal imbalance that lead to a self-blaming-for-no-reason feeling. 2) Mindsets. Maybe I've been thinking too much about my negative self-inadequacies and not focusing on my strengths yet. 3) I am ugly.

I wrote this feeling to my Language Development teacher and he replied "It's something to do with the full moon.. Everything will get surprisingly high...The tide.. Even people's emotions.." I believed him. I should believe him. I want to believe him. It's a matter-of-fact thing so why shouldn't I? Oh. That's it. I'm ugly because of the full moon. But when the red crescent passed, the half-a-circle moon passed and I'm still here staring at the ceiling, wishing I can be a fan, I started giving up. I closed my eyes so hard that it hurts. Inside out I'm hurting. I can feel the blood rushing in and out of my lungs. I can feel my own sniveling breath. I want to cry. I reached out my hands. I'm trying to reach out for anybody.. I'm reaching far and far too far and still there's no one to save me and I stopped when my hand caught something glassy.   

I opened my eyes and there, I saw a sad woman in the mirror. And I didn't just see her.. I heard voices..  And I'm trying hard to listen to each and every words thrown to me. "Ugly.. Ugly.. Just ugly.. Not ugly.. Totally not ugly.. Yes, ugly.. Not totally ugly.. Ugly but.." I looked deeper,

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