by Jim Mcinvale

Created on: December 12, 2009

Wishing You an Offensive Festivus

This holiday season give the gift of unsolicited criticism. No other gift captures the confrontational spirit of Festivus so well and, if delivered properly, your offering will be remembered long after the ties, toys, and perfumes are gone.

As with all holidays, traditions vary greatly from family to family and are always evolving. While the original traditions - the pole, the unremarkable meal, the airing of grievances, and the feats of strength - form the backbone of the holiday, they do not meet the needs of all families. These are but the roots of a tree that flourishes each year with new growth. Several recent, post-Seinfeld additions are described below.

-          Some families believe that the Festivus meal must be served on paper plates with plastic-ware utensils (used, preferably.) A green garbage bag is duct-taped high on the Festivus pole, and at the end of the meal, the guests wad up their place settings and shoot for the bag over the outstretched arms, jabbing elbows, and insults of the other diners. After the dishes are put away, the cook listens as each person in turn describes the meal in a single sentence including three mandatory terms: gastro-intestinal, litter-box, and hurl.

-          Many complain that the holiday offers little to interest children, and have established games specifically for the youngsters. For instance, Tic-Tac-Taunt is played like the original game, but with the addition of a group critique of the loser’s performance at the end. In ‘Pin the Blame on the Donkey’, the child designated as donkey is blindfolded, spun around, and set chasing a household pet while the other kids offer directions and insults, and pummel the donkey with wrapping paper rolls .

-           Though ‘Feats of Strength’ is a mainstay in most families, it is often too much for the elderly and infirm. Wheelchair jousting and walker derby (similar to roller derby) open the festivities to the senior family members and offer amusement for all. For those too cowardly or otherwise infirm to engage in more physical competition, nerf wars are an option.

-          Secret Slammer is an idea borrowed from another December holiday. Each guest receives an envelope containing a short list of their own personal failings from an anonymous donor. This game is well suited to those uncomfortable with open confrontation.

There is, of course, no wrong way to celebrate Festivus, and each family should adopt the traditions that work best for them while staying true to the holiday’s original theme:  Petty bickering and the honest exchange of verbal abuse with those we hold most dear. Here’s wishing you and yours an offensive Festivus.

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