by P J Scanland

Created on: December 12, 2009

The short answer to the question of how long grief lasts is that on some level it lasts a lifetime. A person who has been deeply loved will be deeply missed and that is a great tribute. Death is the inevitable consequence of life. The only unknown is when and how it will end. Knowing that fact and accepting it when it affects you directly are entirely different.

Before you experience your first loss you may believe that grief has a specific time line or expiration date after which you get right back to your life as if you had just gotten over the flu. Once you lose someone close to you, you realize the truth is that it changes you forever.

The level of grief you experience is defined by the impact the person had on your life. Each loss will strike a different emotional chord. Loss of an elderly parent who has lived a full and healthy life and dies peacefully is the natural order of things. The feelings that remain with the living are likely to be happy memories and grateful tears for a life well lived.

In contrast, when a parent loses a child that has barely had any time to live, it feels unnatural and unfair. This grief is more intense and more difficult to justify.

The loss of a beloved spouse or partner can leave a hole that is not easily filled. With long-time spouses this loss can be so devastating that often the other dies shortly after.

Whatever the relationship was, don’t push yourself to get over your grief. It is now part of your life experience. Instead, allow it to make you a stronger person. Even when your heart is not in it, look forward to the life ahead of you as much as possible. In the simplest terms you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

When a parent dies and leaves young children behind, the remaining parent has little choice but to adopt this forward motion method. People who do not have anyone directly depending on them may find it more difficult. For them the best option is to try not to dwell on the loss. Instead, honor your loved one by moving into a new phase of your life. Find a passion or purpose that has been postponed and restart it. Make your dream a reality for you.

The five stages of grief so often mentioned will not come to you in any particular order. The denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance may not happen for months, years or ever. Be aware that some unexpected event can trigger one of these emotional reactions when you least expect it. That is often the case when you think you have finally moved on.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no particular ending point. It will last as long as you need for it to. You may not feel you are making progress, but you will know you are getting better when good friends can honestly say to you that you look happier. Find coping mechanisms that work for you. Lean on friends and family when you need to and open your mind and heart to new experiences when you are ready.

Your lost loved one wants you to be happy, too. Let the intensity of the grief subside, but keep the love fresh in your memory. Love is a precious gift that does not die. Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience that so learn to cherish it and let that help heal you.

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