by Logan Mansfield

Created on: December 12, 2009

   I laid under the Christmas tree. My six month old daughter was only a few feet from me. We were both gazing up through the branches, needles, and decorations. She was awestruck. It was the most interesting thing in the world to her. All I could do is smile and enjoy the moment. There were no presents under the tree. Christmas was a week away. My wife sat on our couch more beautiful than ever. Her hands were quickly and efficiently knitting a multicolored scarf. I'd watch her as her fingers precisely slipped the needles through the appropriate loops. I could never understand how she did it, but was glad that she could.

    My daughter couldn't crawl yet. The tree was enough to keep her occupied. Her little hands would try to reach, reach, reach for the branches above, but she would always fall short. Not having presents under the tree had begun to bother me. I tried to not let it. I told myself many times that it was a superficial desire. At the same time, I felt bad that I couldn't put anything under it for our first Christmas together as a family.
    I had recently graduated from college. Before and after graduating I struggled hard to try to find a good line of work. It was slow coming. I had to settle for a job at a call center. It wasn't ideal, but it would pay our bills. By this time I was already hating my job. The hours were bad. The pay was worse. The work was frustrating. Christmas wasn't supposed to be this way, I thought. It just reminded me of our terrible situation.
    At the beginning of the month, I came home happy that Christmas had arrived. We went over our finances and the smile went away.
    "We can't buy anything?" I said upset.
    "We don't have the money," my wife responded.
    "What are we going to do?"
    "I can make stuff for our family. We might just have to go without this year"
    "Ok," I said solemnly. "I guess that's our only choice"
    Even though my daughter was still a baby, I wanted her first Christmas to be rich with presents and toys. I wanted to spoil her with all the goodies she could get her hands on. That wasn't going to happen. I kept telling myself that this was life. I had to get over it. For weeks I put it away, but then seeing the tree empty was the ultimate reminder. It all came back.
    I was tempted to take the tree down one night. Tired and sick

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