by Marcy Buzzelli

Created on: December 09, 2009

Whose idea was it to host Christmas dinner?  People who claim to be relatives seem to be springing up all over town.  Surely, all of these odd folks cannot have a linking ancestral gene, can they? Maybe they are not all blood relatives, but merely have that ignominious tag “in law” attached to their name. 

The doorbell rings promptly at 1:30, even though the invitation clearly said that the festivities started at 3:00. Frieda stomps into the house with a large uncooked turkey because the oven at her home did not work. Of course, her oven has not worked for the past three family gatherings, but that does not deter Frieda from insisting she bring the main course! Once in the kitchen, Frieda uncovers a bowl of already mashed potatoes and proceeds to stuff them into the cavity of the naked bird.  Can you imagine what a gray runny mess these unsuspecting potatoes will turn into when cooked inside the bird for several hours? Fortunately, but unbeknown to Frieda, Martin is also bringing a lovely honey-glazed ham to be the actual main course!

As more guests start to arrive at the actual appointed time, the usual canned green beans mixed with a can of cream of mushroom soup is dramatically presented as a gourmet casserole straight from the Food Network archives.  No one is fooled by this minor deception, and everyone “oohs and aahs” over the very familiar, but strangely tasty, vegetable casserole. If the green bean casserole is all too ordinary, the greenish red squash casserole that is presented as a tribute to the red and green colors of Christmas, is just too sickly and garish to be edible. In an effort to be polite and in the spirit of sharing, people take a small teaspoon-size portion onto their plate, although it will never make it into their mouth.   

After a few alcoholic libations, some in the odd gathering of relatives become more melancholy and wonder who will be “missing” next year.  Of course, the word “missing” is euphemistically used for “dead.”  Holiday cheer is always somewhat dampened when Robbie and Alexa talk about funeral home costs, cemetery lots, and obituary contents. At the other end of the spectrum, alcohol loosens tongues which can lead to some raunchy jokes unfit for the ears of grandma and her 6 years old grandson.  Although grandma does not hear too well, her precocious grandson will add levity to the afternoon by asking to have the joke explained in which a blonde takes off her shirt during a bank robbery.

Desserts, most of which are supermarket products presented as homemade, signal the end of yet another Christmas fill with anxious moments, peculiar food offerings, and familial bragging. Hugs are exchanged as well as the promise to get together more often than once a year, but most people breathe a sigh of relief as they hurriedly exit knowing this odd ritual will not take place for another 365 days.

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