by P J Scanland

Created on: December 05, 2009   Last Updated: December 06, 2009

When someone close to you suffers a loss, they may turn to you for comfort and answers. It's often very difficult to know what to say. Many people don't say anything at all or say the wrong things. That's too bad, because the words from family and friends can have powerful healing capabilities.

There are a few key things that as a concerned friend or family member you should not do:

Don't say that you know just how they feel, because you don't. Each of us comes to a relationship with our own experiences and the bonds between two people are never identical. Even siblings can have very different reactions to the loss of a parent.

Don't start sharing stories about how sad you felt when your Aunt Lucille died. If you are talking to someone who just lost a beloved wife or husband, you have belittled their grief and tried to put your feelings at the center of attention. It shows your insensitivity to what they are going through.

Don't push them into doing things they don't want to do. Be cognizant of the personality of your friend or relative before you offer advice. If they have always been outgoing, they may enjoy taking that trip you just suggested. If they have been quiet and shy their whole lives, perhaps they would just like you to invite them over for dinner now and then.

Don't ever tell them "you will get over it." People do learn to move on in their lives and learn to cope with a loss. It's not like getting over the flu. The lost loved one will never be a part of their life again and that realization becomes a part of who they are now. It can give them strength and allow them to move forward, but the loss will never be forgotten.

Care for their feelings like you would want them to care for yours if the roles were reversed. Listen to them and be supportive of their choices. They may come up with a whole new direction for their life that stems from the recent loss. Applaud their bravery for taking up a new challenge.

Tell them how sorry you are they have to experience this and raise them up by saying you are proud of them. Offer to help them whenever you can, but don't offer if you don't mean it. Share pleasant stories and memories of the lost loved one. Funny stories can turn tears into laughter.

Share information about support groups or therapists if you have had good experiences with them. Never push this option, just offer the information. However, if you feel that there is any danger that in their grief they intend to do themselves harm, be more proactive.

Everyone wants to help a grieving person replace sorrow with happiness. Some people try too hard and push too much. Grief has its own progression for each person. Some people resume their normal activities immediately and find peace in familiar routines. Others may leave everything familiar behind and venture out to new places. Some will throw themselves into a cause particularly if the loved one was lost to tragic or unusual circumstances.

There is no right way to grieve and there is no particular ending point. As a concerned friend or family member, your role is just to help and listen when needed and never pass judgment.

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