by Kamryn Adams

Created on: December 04, 2009   Last Updated: December 05, 2009

"Tough Love", though often coined an oxymoron, is not that at all. It's a necessity. When a family member begins to behave in a manner that endangers himself, someone else, or the overall balance of the family, it's time to act. I find the skill of tough love a painfully important one to develop. In the course of injecting a heaping dose of tough love to a family member, you may find yourself the recipient of a heavy dose of bitterness, anger, and sometimes even estrangement.

There is some question as to whether self-inflicted pain merits a dose of tough love. After all, if your family member is an adult then don't they have the right to make decisions that affect them? Yes! But very few decisions in life affect only you. Most decisions have a residual effect on your family. In the case of violent or addictive behavior, a family member may be creating the action, but the entire family will suffer the consequences. In this case, "tough love" is the best option. You have to give the family member a choice between continuing the behavior or continuing to be a member of the family. Most addicts don't have the clarity of mind to choose family and so you'll need to seek intervention to help them. Separating an addiction or violent offender from the family may not affect the person in the manner that you'd like. In that case, realize that you are helping the family disconnect from the destructive behavior and the consequences that fall with it.

Watching a family member suffer the consequences of their actions is painful and often excruciating to watch. But you must learn to comfort yourself in knowing that the consequences will help the family member learn the lessons. If you "bail them out", literally or figuratively, they will not realize the consequences of their actions and continue the behavior. Therefore, continuing to put the family in turmoil.

Families are notorious for pretending to keep secrets. You know the thing in the family that everyone knows but pretends not to know? Yeah, that one. In most cases, this secret is something that requires tough love. Uncle Jim is a pedophile. Aunt Suzie is a kleptomaniac. Little Joey uses money for drugs. Auntie Peg is an alcoholic. In those cases, the family must agree to confront the individual and force them into a choice or consequence situation.

Tough love boils down to two things: intervene or restrain yourself from helping. Basically the family has to decide whether the situation requires action or inaction - both can be very powerful tools of tough love. "Act" or "don't act", but the one thing that you cannot do when delivering tough love is "react".

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