by Adele Gregory

Created on: December 04, 2009

Guilt and shame are related but they are cousins, not twins. Both involve a sense of being part of something wrongful, something that could invite negative judgment. Each has to do with fault, but not in the same sense.

Guilt is a stronger version of regret and generated by conscience. It involves feelings of fault in the sense of responsibility or blame. Shame is an extreme form of embarrassment and relates to our standards. The fault shame sees is a flaw or shortcoming.

Guilt arises from the belief that we've done something hurtful. It may not be an outright action, it could be an inaction or even a thought. It doesn't have to have an actual impact; we can also feel guilty about doing something we simply imagine might hurt someone. But in guilt there is always a sense that we are or could be personally responsible for some kind of negative consequence.

You could say that guilt has four essential factors. First, it's personal. Guilt relates only to our own actions. Second, we need to feel that we had a degree of control over what was happening. When situations are impersonal or beyond our control, we're more likely to experience anger or frustration when things go awry. Next, guilt is always tied to some kind of event. People can suffer frequent bouts of guilt, and guilt about a past event can linger for a long time, but in each case the guilt is attached to something that happened. Lastly, there is the idea of real or potential damage, especially to others. Without the prospect of harm being done we might feel regret, but not guilt.

Shame covers much broader ground. It's not bound by personal responsibility like guilt. We can feel ashamed about the behaviour of loved ones, the past deeds of our family or country, or health conditions we have no control over. It needn't be linked to an event or action, or have any impact on others. Shame can also be about what we are, what we're not and what we do or don't have.

Shame comes from a belief that you are tainted by something unacceptable. It can concern anything propriety, beauty, education, success - but there is always the sense of falling below a standard required for respect and acceptance. When we are ashamed of something, we feel that it makes us inferior to others in some way, and imagine that they could think less of us for it. Expressions like shame on you or has she no shame? don't accuse someone of being responsible for a certain deed or outcome; they criticize a person for not recognizing the unacceptability of their behaviour.

Unhappy incidents can give rise to both guilt and shame. A guest who gets drunk and obnoxious at a friend's birthday party, for example, may feel shame about making a spectacle of himself and guilty for ruining the party. But it's equally possible to feel one without the other.

Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is important when it comes to resolving these tormenting feelings. To move on from guilt, people need first to make sure they have an accurate picture of their role in events and what they were responsible for followed by whatever is needed to achieve forgiveness for the part they played. People whose self-image is blighted by feelings of shame need to step back and see that they have so many different experiences and qualities that they can't really judge themselves on just a few and that other people are might not be as rejecting as they think. Both, however, can benefit from that age-old comforter Nobody's Perfect.

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