by Lawrence George

Created on: December 03, 2009   Last Updated: February 18, 2010

A break-up doesn't always cause self-esteem problems, but when it does it can affect your life for years. It can shatter your whole sense of self, leaving you struck dumb by what has happened. And these can lead further, down into real depression.

The worst threat to your self-esteem is if your partner has cheated on you and left you. This is shattering to anyone who loves their partner. They will still love them for long after they have gone, and this is such a danger to self-esteem that it can cause serious problems.

So the first thing is to think: "It was not about me." If you love your partner but they cheated on you, the problem is theirs, not yours. And it is a problem - a faithlessness, a childish boredom, a dishonesty. They are the ones who cannot love properly and it is their lives that will suffer in the long run. But no-one going through this ever believes this, and in the aftermath of this kind of break-up people often convince themselves that they are simply wrong and need to change. This hurried, low self-esteem change is damaging and is hiding the real you.

So don't do it. Believe and trust in yourself. This is so difficult to do and it needs family support, even professional support. Take up hobbies. Go on holiday with friends. But don't throw yourself into work - you will be hiding from your problems. Do cut down or give up alcohol, because that does the same thing.

If your relationship ended because you cheated on your partner, then you do need to re-think you approach to relationships. Perhaps you are not in the right frame of mind for one at the moment. Perhaps you have issues around commitment, perhaps you need help to organise your life around what is important. But you need to hold on to the idea that yes, you have done wrong, and things have gone wrong but you can do the right thing and improve your life. Not all at once - not through self-hate, but through thought, honesty and reflection.

Sometimes a break-up happens because the partners simply drift apart. Often when this happens people will feel they missed something, or lacked courage to tackle issues, or just cannot hold a relationship together. The problem was both of yours, not just you. There were two of you, moving in different directions. It does not mean you are a flawed or failed person. In this situation dating again can really help because you can get to know other people and think about how a relationship with them could be built - you can, in effect, train yourself to learn about building relationships.

But whatever happened, you are still a person - a unique being, with everything to offer. In the depths of depression, in the depths of sadness or alcoholic hazes, this seems like nothing - a pointless, empty phrase. But you have to hold on to what you can do, what you do love. You have to go out, to meet people, to do new things. Try not to dye your hair or buy a new car - this is not changing you, it does not build self-esteem: it is shallow and short-term.

You still exist: and you need to remember that you will have another relationship - and this time you will get it right.

It is from the gutter that we see the stars - as a wise person once said.

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