by Kim Russell

Created on: December 03, 2009

Helping your teenager cope with your divorce is not much different than helping her/him cope with their topsy-turvy, confusing, hormone-driven, everyday, average, angst-filled teenage life. Your divorce has just added another obstacle to their desperate attempt to reach adulthood as quickly as possible.

First and foremost, teenagers - unlike their younger sibling counter-parts - must be respected for the young adults that they are. Otherwise, you will immediately lose all hope of them listening to or hearing you. The flip-side of that is, of course, that they must be respected for the young adults that they are NOT, if they are not appropriately taking responsibility for their behavior, capable of drawing clear lines between what is your fault (divorced parent that you are,) and what is their part in whatever difficulties life delivers up for them on any given day. Most teenagers move between these two extremes, never sitting still long enough for us as parents to grasp a clear impression of them that lasts more than a few hours, if not mere minutes. Strange creatures, these teenage animals, but oh so lovable, capable, surprising and resilient when given the proper environment.

Recognize above all else that whatever you have to say to them is of secondary importance with regard to what their friends and extended peer group have to say. You have been de-throned by the younger generation and your words no longer carry the same weight as they did when your baby was, well, a baby. But even when you hear, "Well, so-and-so said that you and dad/mom and your divorce was the reason why my grades are bad. You just aren't paying enough attention to me," avoid the immediate impulse to hair-pulling (yours and theirs.) Let them throw so-and-so's 14-year-old opinion in your face all day long without negative response to the comment. Acknowledge whatever comment they make (repeating it back to them is a sure-fire way of letting them know they were heard), ask them some pertinent question(s): "Really? When did so-and-so's parents get divorced?" Or, "Well, so-and-so might have something there. What do you think about it?" And then - your most important job, the one that will win you accolades and provide you with information necessary to support this child's struggles - you must close your mouth, sit still, make eye contact, wait patiently, and pray for the regurgitation of your child's feelings and thoughts. Not the newest of ideas, obviously, but crucial for your teen's successful

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