by Jim Mcinvale

Created on: December 01, 2009   Last Updated: December 02, 2009

In matters such as these, the individual's right to privacy must always trump the public's lust to know the details. Besides, it is far more entertaining to construct your own story - and, it is a valuable exercise in creative fiction. This one is ripe with potential: an alien abduction gone bad, celebrity sleep walking and/or night terrors, a Dick Cheney fail-proof plan to achieve world domination (this one's a little more challenging), or a clever scheme to launch the next episode of 'Dancing With the Stars ', featuring its new star, Mrs. Woods. You pick the plot and go baby. Hey, if 'Paranormal Activity' can win an academy award, your creation might win a Pulitzer.

In this case there are no victims that desire to be identified as such (though we've heard nothing from the five-iron, and the SUV has remained suspiciously silent.) Aside from the law enforcement officials (who should be spending tax-payer resources on less glamorous, but more fruitful criminal cases), no one stands to gain much from this investigation. Sure, the media could score a major prize with a sex-and-violence scoop, but that seems unlikey at this point.

Mr. Woods is holding his cards close to the chest, and issuing only sparse statements. The neighbor's statement and the transcripts of the nine-one-one call offer no help. The Florida State Patrol has come up blank, and even the jackals of the celebrity scandal press corp can get no traction. Everyone that has heard the story tries to picture themselves in such a adventure, but it is all but impossible to contrive an innocent explanation. This troubles some, and rouses the suspicions of many. Again, a careful review of the facts of the case and a little imagination should put all concerns to rest.

There truly is a valid explanation for the golfer's silence. Brush away the hype and sanitized press releases, peak beneath the covers, consider the facts, and you will find the real story behind the story. This is a grand and elaborate promotion. The next Tiger Woods video golf game will be released soon, and it breaks from convention. In this game, the player attempts to dodge a club-wielding wife, hurling obscene Swedish epitaphs, while in pursuit of he ultimate prize - an eye-batting, hip thrusting bimbo. Lose the game and lose everything: wealth, family, and image.

Sorry to spill the beans and spoil the surprise.

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