by Carmel Brulez

Created on: November 29, 2009

TESTIMONIES: WHY DO WOMEN STAY WITH ABUSERS?

If you have been abused by a man or are very close to and understand what has been happening with a woman who has been the victim of an abuser you would not need to ask this question.

When a man abuses a woman he sometimes does it physically with physical force or violence, sometimes sex, but whether the abuse is there physically or not it is always there mentally and emotionally. It wears down the poor woman and she slowly but surely loses her confidence and becomes a shadow of her former self. She may have started off as quite a confident and assertive person but by the time the abuse has become a normal part of her life she feels sorrow, confusion, pain, sadness and negativity. She loses hope that the future will ever be worth living and feels as if she is merely existing. The thing is that this happens gradually, she cannot see and predict at the beginning of the week that she will be worn down a bit more by the end of the week, and a lot more by the end of the year. The abuse is gradual, invasive and insiduous. As it progresses she loses energy and has less ability to question it or fight against it. An abuser takes a woman and works on her day by day in much the same way as a dog handler takes a huge alsatian and trains him to be submissive and obedient, totally taking away the dog's spirit and personality and replacing it with a more pliable one. Unless the woman realises this before she has been turned into an obedient zombie with no confidence or free will she has no hope of escape.

But there are practical matters to take into consideration too. It is all very well telling the woman she should leave if her partner beats her but she may have a baby or children to think of. She may be ashamed to tell people what has been going on and feel that she is somehow to blame. Quite often victims of abuse feel guilty as if they are as much to blame as the abusive person. She may be worried about where she will live, her job or money, things which cannot be sorted out instantly and which are very important. When you have had the stuffing knocked out of you it is even harder to sort out these issues. She will also be torn emotionally because she feels sorry for the person who abuses her, or wants to believe that things will improve without her taking drastic action such as leaving. Some of her hates her abuser, some of her pities him, some of her loves him. She may have been with him for many years and knows no other life. She is so sad and depressed that making decisions and changing things is almost impossible to do. If her abuser has been making her feel worthless she will begin to believe it, so the idea of having a normal happy life will seem not only odd but something she is not good enough for, not entitled to, because she is worthless. The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play in many of these situations, where the victim looks up to and readily conforms with any of the abuser's wishes and needs and becomes a willing victim. When they have an opportunity to escape they have been brainwashed and hypnotised into feeling that they do not want to or cannot.

Each situation is different and it would not be fair to compare them as if the two victims should behave the same way. But generally speaking a victim is worn down and begins to think this is all she is worthy of. It becomes normal to her to be treated this way. She needs a huge boost of confidence before she can change things, as well as practical help.

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