by T. H. Orin

Created on: February 16, 2007   Last Updated: April 25, 2007

I have been a parent for a long time, and my advice in this area is simple: Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I have always told my children that the behavior I expect from them at home is exactly the behavior I expect from them in public. And the consequences of any misbehavior in public is exactly the same that they would expect to get for that same misbehavior at home.

Have they done something in public that would earn them a swat on the behind at home? Then they will get exactly that in public. Have they done something that would result in a good tongue-lashing at home? Then they should expect the same thing in public. There should be no difference in parental response at all based on where the event takes place.

Every child comes to a place in their life when they instinctively feel that they must test you to see if the rules are really the rules, or if they can slide by with something just because others are present.

You must completely and whole-heartedly stand firm in these situations, or you will open the door to years of woe.

You are the parent. The child does not control you.

Now my children are somewhat older (8, 10, and 14), but they still understand this concept, even if it doesn't apply to swats on the behind any more. If they are misbehaving at the dinner table at home, carrying on with rude noises and inappropriate behavior, I just gently remind them that they are telling me by their behavior that they cannot be trusted to eat out, and they correct their own behavior immediately. In other words, they know that the rule is always true: the same behavior is expected at home and in public.

I don't mean to sound overly strict or harsh. Our family has a lot of fun with each other, at home and out and about - but the expectations are clear, and there are no exceptions.

I know that this method works, because I can't tell you how many people have complimented my wife and me (and my kids!) over the years. Complete strangers often take time to tell us that we have the most well-behaved, mature children that they have ever seen.

It's not easy to enforce this concept at first, but you must make yourself hold to it. By doing so, you will avoid many years of stress and pain later. We wonder why so many teenagers today are out of control, disrespectful, engaging in criminal behavior, verbally abusing their parents, and so forth. I believe that a little more standing firm as a parent early on makes a huge difference later.

Good luck!

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