by B. B. James

Created on: November 24, 2009   Last Updated: November 30, 2009

For many married couples, personal finances are a source of major conflict. In fact, numerous studies have shown that conflicts about spending and saving money are the No. 1 problem in relationships. Yes, money conflicts surpass even highly sensitive matters such as sex or the raising of children, and money conflicts then spill over into issues in the bedroom and elsewhere. The global recession of 2008-09 has only deepened those problems, as many more people find themselves facing difficult financial situations.

In many cases, problems arise because one spouse is a "saver" and one is a "spender." The saver is frustrated by the spender's careless ways with money and inability to think about the future (in the saver's opinion). The spender is frustrated by the saver's cheap attitude and fear of enjoyment of the moment (in the spender's opinion).

It is important to understand that the problem exists on both a practical level and an emotional level. In other words, it's about the money - but it's also about more than the money. On the practical level, the couple might actually not be able to afford the spending habits of one of the spouses. But even if the couple can afford the expenditures, there's a psychological component because the spender is making the saver feel uncomfortable and jealous. The problem is not only about the actual money, but it's also about the attitude towards having money, saving money, planning for the future, and saving for the future.

Solving the conflict can be highly challenging. People's attitudes and habits about money are deeply rooted, and they often began with incidents from their childhood. Usually, people are not even aware of how they got their money attitudes, and they have a tough time seeing money from a different perspective.

Many people think that coping with an over-spender would be fairly straightforward. Simply tell the person that he or she is spending too much. Make a budget for necessities and extras, and then stick to it. Cut up credit cards. Make a promise to the spouse to work on eliminating debt. In a dire situation, maybe the spouses make sure they have separate bank accounts and credit card accounts, so that the over-spender's problems don't ruin the finances of both of them. And so on.

But those direct methods usually fail. They fail because they ignore the underlying money issues that have driven the over-spending in the first place. A truly successful intervention requires more. It requires sensitivity towards why the person has a need to spend aggressively. This begins by talking about why the over-spender is acting the way he or she has been acting. It looks at what spending money means to that person - where the money is being spent (on self, children, home, etc.), and why. It looks at whether spending is tied to stress or loneliness, or whether it generates excitement (such as gambling), or is related to a substance addition. The intervention looks at how to replace the feelings that spending generates with other activities that are equally meaningful to the spender.

The bad news is that working on the psychological aspects is more difficult than just writing a budget. The good news is that when it's done well, the married couple will have a spending-and-saving plan that both spouses can actually stick to. Also, the couple will have grown closer to each other by addressing an important aspect of their lives.

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