by Shane Gray

Created on: November 24, 2009

It's 3:00 A.M. and the world is a little fuzzy at present. I haven't slept in days. This would not be quite so bad if I wasn't up to my ass in swamp mud, and wearing 95 pounds worth of extra gear. My unit is currently training for our up and coming deployment which makes perfect sense to the average person; who would naturally assume that this training would some how prepare us for climates and situations that might be encountered on said deployment. This training however is being conducted in full accordance with the U.S. Army's new and improved eight step training module. This means it is confusing, contradictory, and it doesn't have a damn thing to do with the actual deployment but looks great on a power point slide.

We are deploying to Iraq. Iraq is a dry, desolate country that is famous for it's 137 degree heat, sand, oil fields, sand, terrorist factions and uhhhh did I say sand already? This, in keeping with standard Army logic is why we are training in a swamp. Swamps are famous for having lots of water, knee deep mud, alligators, frequent rain storms, and little cajun guys who don't bathe much, and speak a language that can only be understood by other little cajun guys who don't bathe much. If we were declaring war on the Florida everglades the training would be held in Kuwait.

The Army life isn't all that bad once you drink enough to shut down all the parts of your brain that have anything to do with reason, logic and common sense. The recruiting posters if they were at all honest would read something like this:

ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH TO PULL A TRIGGER BUT TOO DUMB TO READ? ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO REALIZE WHAT A WORLD OF SHIT YOU ARE IN UNTIL THE GUY NEXT TO YOU EATS BULLET? DO YOU REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE LEGALLY? DO YOU GET HOME SICK AFTER MORE THAN A WEEK OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAVORITE STATE PRISON? THEN UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU... TO JOIN THE UNITED STATES ARMY. WHO KNOWS, THE UNIFORM MIGHT ACTUALLY GET YOU LAID. Disclaimer: The united States government makes no guarantee: A) that any individual soldier will get laid, B) of the gender of the person doing the laying, C) that the act will be voluntary.

This approach might not go over as well with the general public as the nifty black berets, new uniforms, or the Army strong key rings but it would be a hell of a lot more honest, and yes stupid can be considered a plus when recruiting certain kinds of soldiers. The average infantry man scores a 35 on his Armed Forces Scholastic Aptitude Battery

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>