by Elizabeth Fearon

Created on: November 22, 2009

I've just watched an episode of Super Sweet 16 with my 17 year old daughter and had to be restrained from throwing something at the TV. Teenagers pampered and spoiled beyond the bounds of decency was more than I could handle. And when kids who couldn't yet drive were given keys to luxury cars - and sometimes two because they 'couldn't decide' which they liked best! - I wanted to scream at the parents who were indulging them to such obscene degrees and depriving them of any sense of real value or achievement.

That said, we have just bought our daughter's first car but not in response to demands from her. Her relationship with us is not based on the 'I demand and you supply' dictum subscribed to by the aforementioned parents. She's delighted and knows how lucky she is to be in this position. She earns her own money by tutoring and babysitting and is expected to budget for her non-essentials as a lesson for life once she has left home - if she can't afford something she wants, she has to save up. However, to earn enough money to buy a car with sufficient safety specifications, she would have to work every hour possible around her school day and, at a crucial period in her education, this is not something we would allow. We are lucky that we are able to make this choice and can ensure her safety to the best of our ability, thereby giving her more than a fighting chance on today's dangerous, overcrowded roads. This was the only consideration for us. It's not a luxury model but the safest in its own small class and she will be expected to make her own contribution by caring for it, learning about the responsibilities that go with being a car owner - and filling it with petrol!

My parents had no choice. There was no question of them being able to afford to buy me a car. I was twenty two before I'd saved sufficient to make a little Renault 5 my own and oh, how I loved that car. Yes, we want to foster that same sense of achievement, responsibility and appreciation in all aspects of our daughter's life but we did have a choice and gained a huge amount of pleasure from being able to surprise her. I guess it could be said that she doesn't need a car at her age and perhaps that's true - we've always been ready and willing to perform the inevitable parental taxi service - but we don't feel that we've detracted from her core values in any way because she understands our reasons and knows what a privilege it is for her to be treated in this way.

It seems to me that communication and example are at the heart of the lessons our children learn from us. My core values were instilled in me by my parents and they practised what they preached. I hope we are sowing the same seeds with our daughter by teaching her the lessons we want her to learn - and if we are able to surprise her once in a while with an unexpected gift, then I feel that we've earned the right to do that.

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