by Timo Cerantola

Created on: November 22, 2009   Last Updated: November 23, 2009

Poor Turkey

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I guess many of you are looking forward to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings of course. Naturally, you'll have turkey. You always have turkey on Thanksgiving. It's a family tradition.

Poor turkeys, they don't care much for this family tradition. Let's face it, they have absolutely nothing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.

To a turkey, Thanksgiving must be the quintessential nightmare from hell - sort of like a spooky Stephen King novel, the one where all your friends slowly disappear one by one. You ask around, but everyone is clueless. No one seems to know where they've gone. You search everywhere for them - until the end when you discover your best friend tits up on a table in front of a bunch of smiling, creepy, hungry fat people.

OK now, before all you budding vegetarian tree-huggers out there start feeling remorseful and ashamed of your carnivorous ways. Before you even think about switching your Thanksgiving menus to tofu turkey or vegetable lasagne, I have one thing to say. Turkeys are to blame for their own sad predicament.

What, you may ask, could those poor turkeys have done to deserve the November death sentence?

Well, let me tell you.

After some extensive turkey research and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that their serious image and public relations failures are a direct result of turkey incompetence and mismanagement. Here are just a few of my findings and the five most likely reasons why turkeys will once again be a Thanksgiving casualty.

Reason #1: The name "Turkey!"

OK, this nerdy sounding name almost screams, "Kill me and eat me, I'm just a stupid bird." In fact, among humans, the word 'turkey' is now commonly associated with losers.

Case in point: remember that weird kid in the schoolyard with the odd name - Millard, Heathcliff, Brewster or Schmedley?

These guys were every bully's number one target; mercilessly teased and pushed around mainly because of their odd or peculiar names.

Well, turkeys have the same problem. They need a name change. Something proper sounding - perhaps an elitist type name would work. A dignified sounding name that implies wealth and power - names like Churchill or Eisenhower. Names such as these get a lot of respect among humans. Somehow, stuffing and roasting an Eisenhower seems unappetizing, not to mention, unpatriotic.

Reason #2: The turkey call.

"Gobble. Gobble."

Is it me, or does this sound kind of suggestive?

Seriously,

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