by John White

Created on: November 21, 2009

I love Helium. I love to suck it into my lungs and sing Michael Jackson songs in a chipmunk falsetto. Oh-wrong Helium. You mean the writing website, not the gas. My mistake. Strange name for a writing website. Perhaps not to be confused with other websites that may pop up in the future, like Hydrogen. Helium articles will be associated with lofty, light-headed writing whereas Hydrogen articles would be much more volatile.

Kidding aside, I really do like writing on Helium but I would like to voice a few complaints. I am one of many creative writers of fiction, the unwanted stepchildren of Helium. I've written thirty plus short stories, novel excerpts and poems in the last three months and have rung up a grand total of $6.02 in earnings. And most, if not all of my work, was rated in the top ten percentile.

Waah, you say. If I don't like it, write useful non-fiction and accumulate stars and such. Well, I guess I could copy Wikipedia articles and make money like everyone else but I'm an Arteessst. My soul won't let me.

Okay, I've alienated 95% of Helium writers with my last baseless statement but with only $6.02 in earnings every three months it could take years to get twenty-five bucks in order to cash out. My kids will have to inherit it because I'll be dead.

You don't understand. It's gut wrenching to create a short story or a poem from nothing but your imagination. Each time you write creatively it destroys a little part of you. Just last week I had a spleen removed after writing a 6000 word story. Have pity on artists, Helium!

Now you raters. Are you all 70-year-old librarians? I write a few expletives in a humorous piece and you rate me to the bottom of the pack. Oh, the humiliation! Damn! Uh oh, I did it again. Just saying damn killed this piece. It will take a lifetime to get my twenty-five dollars. Damn! There, I did it again. Ignore those previous damns. I didn't mean them. And ignore that last damn. That was in there to explain the other damns. Ignore that one too.

For my last rant, I would like to speak for the romance languages. For some reason, a tilde does not show up on Helium articles. If you write the word cliche or entree with a tilde in the proper place, it reads as clich and entre. This is a slight on our foreign friends and I promise not to file a class action lawsuit against Helium on behalf of our romantic neighbors if Helium agrees to pay more to creative writing authors.

C'mon, Helium, Christmas is near and mama needs a new coat. Have mercy on those who lie for a living. Please?

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