Much as I hate to be a wet blanket, I will say it: There is no such thing as love at first sight!

Yes, I know many will tell of a couple who fell in love at first sight and spent the next 50 years together. My former in-laws did just that, marrying at ages 14 and 16, no less! Still, I will say, there is no such thing as love at first sight!

The animal kingdom, of which humans are a part, have a unique way of attracting each other. We put out pheromones, chemical substances which stimulate another person to respond. It doesn't happen regularly. In fact, we can't predict when it will happen. When two people send out pheromones simultaneously, then we have a strong, mutual attraction. Sun shines, bells ring, the earth shakes. We have fallen in love! This is the state of being that the love songs and poems praise.

Pheromones and the attraction they bring, however, do not last. The program is simply designed to bring two people together long enough for other things to happen. Hopefully, those other things involve getting to know each other well enough to decide to spend the rest of life together.

There have been studies showing that arranged marriages are much more stable and long-lasting than "love-based" marriages. A comparison of divorce rates between the two kinds of marriages proves this. There may be several reasons for that, but at least two are important. 1. Partners in arranged marriages generally do not experience "falling in love" until much later in the marriage, so they are not disappointed when the "romance" wears off. 2) By their very nature, arranged marriages expect the partners to work at relationship problems together. They are not surprised when such problems occur! These are marriages that last because two people are committed to the relationship, not to the strength of the attraction.

Yes, people may experience strong attractions to each other in a very short time. Such attraction, however, is not designed by nature to last. Those depending on that attraction to be permanent will always be disappointed. Love is actually a verb, not a noun. It is something we choose to do, not something that "happens to us". For the attraction to continue, there is work to be done.

There is, then, "infatuation at first sight", but not love. Love must be learned, minute by minute, hour by hour and year by year. True love is an investment in one's partner as well as oneself. Maybe if we understood this better, the divorce rate would go down.

Learn more about this author, Martha Leonard.
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