by L. Merlino

Created on: November 21, 2009

Whether it's a divorce or the end of any other profound relationship, the best and most complete sense of closure depends upon open communication between both parties. Unfortunately, lack of communication is what often leads to the end of a relationship in the first place.

Was he or she lying all along? Who was misrepresenting whose motives? Why didn't it all work out when the beginning appeared so promising?

These are questions we not only ask of ourselves, but are also driven to ask of the other - often obsessively. And why not? It is human to be obsessive about seeking a sense of closure when our emotions are still tangled up in the end of what appeared to be a perfect union. All we really want is to know, to understand - and perhaps more important than anything else, to feel "understood" in the context of what came before. It is difficult to completely let go before having attained that.

On the other hand, it is that very "need to know" that can keep us from a much needed sense of closure.

It may have been so romantic, so enchanting a sense of partnership that we felt ... and yet it totally took a nose dive. Could it be because "you" were misunderstood all along? Something like that can really eat away at the heart, because it hints that there may still be a hope of salvaging the relationship - if and when you are completely understood. Sometimes one can never be sure - whether or for how long the antagonist (the one who wished to call the quits) had been bluffing. Perhaps we invested our all, while the "other" was more or less "skimming the surface" of the relationship to have a set of needs met. Those needs may have been emotional, sexual, financial - or any combination of the above. Does it make it any less painful to know? In the long-run yes; in the short-run, maybe no. Perhaps that is why the former partner is so hesitant to come clean with the details - in an effort to spare us further hurt. But is that fair, when those "details" can help set us free, or are they truly looking out for our own interests?

The bottom line is that with or without the information we seek, we need "closure" - whether or not the union could or should ever be resuscitated, it is not likely to happen without closure coming first. It is the only way to initiate a fresh new beginning with or without one's former partner - then - maybe then some openly flowing communication of good will can occur and maybe one can get in touch with the "friendship" that's supposed to be at the

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