by Louven Guimbao

Created on: November 21, 2009

People often confuse kindness (or, for the sake of this argument, niceness) with weakness. Most of these so-called nice guys spend their weekends playing World of War-craft instead of meeting new people and honing their social skills. Come Monday, they cry out, Woe is me. I'm too nice!, to anyone willing to listen (followed by not a little eye-rolling). Nothing disperses the water-cooler crowd like a nice guy starting the week off with a pitiful rant. These self-proclaimed martyrs of niceness fail to see that their tragic flaw isn't that they're too nice. They can't see that they are, (and how do I put this nicely?), well, they're PUSSIES. To call them weak simply lacks the slap in the face, Wake up. It's your masculinity calling!, quality that is needed in times of male crises.

What the typical nice guy needs is a shot of testosterone, followed by an IV drip of confidence, then the surgical graft of a backbone. After a brief recovery, the aforementioned nice guy is discharged with an, Attaboy!, pat on the ass and a prescription for balls. No, not the kind used in competitive feats of athleticism. I'm talking about testicles. The prescription would read: 2 testicles. Apply immediately. No refills.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a guy has to be a neanderthal. Neither do I suggest he can't be nice. Most nice guys are always going to have a predilection towards empathy, an inclination for sensitivity, perhaps a penchant for things uncommon. Guess what? Those traits, in varying proportions, happen to belong to Johnny Depp, Hugh Grant, and Patrick Dempsey. See how far those guys walk through a mall anywhere at any time, before they get mobbed and their clothes shredded by nubile teens and frenzied, desperate housewives alike. What do they have that lesser (but possibly nicer) men don't? They are utterly confident in whatever makes them unique. Johnny Depp has been known to wear a little mascara while dressing as a pirate pretending to be Keith Richards. A little strange, but he pulls it off with raw charisma, even as he sashays through a scene. Hugh Grant is often the target of his own chronically self-effacing humor. If only I had a dollar for every time the words "roguish charm" and "Hugh Grant" were used in the same sentence, maybe there wouldn't be a recession. Then there's McDreamy, a juggling head of great hair. Juggling isn't just for clowns, anymore, kids. It's for guys with hair you just want to run your fingers through.

So guys, be nice. But don't forget to take care of your body and your appearance. Walk that little old lady across the street, but don't mimic her posture while you do it. Keep your head up, your back straight. Remember, she's holding on to you for support. Approach that girl who's way out of your league. Make her laugh. If you crash and burn, she was out of you league, remember? Next. Temper your newfound confidence with humility, because no one likes a douche-bag. It is okay, however, to walk with a little swagger, because you're kind of a big deal. And women like that. They also want you to be a nice guy. Just don't forget that they also need you to be a man.

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