by Jane Kay

Created on: November 21, 2009

The best decision I ever made in my parenting life was this: "Be mad before getting mad."

I am not a fan of spanking. I don't see the purpose it really serves. I want my children to mind and respect me, not fear the pain I am about to cause. I don't have any issue with parents who choose to spank; it's just not for me is all. I would much rather they fear me directly than fear the pain that I will inflict. It just seems unfair to take a small child and spank them when I won't even hit people who are the same size and age as me.

Don't get me wrong, I am one of the strictest parents I know of and I truly cannot stand misbehaving children. I don't tolerate rudeness out of a child and I insist on good manners. Barring any disability that makes a child act out - I am all over a child like white on rice. In fact, I am this way with children's friends as well; there is a time and place for everything and any child past a certain age should know better and be taught as much by their parents.

"Be mad before getting mad" prevents you from ever resorting to spanking your child. Long before you're angry enough to become aggressive with a child, you've made a conscious decision that enough is enough and take matters under control at that moment. Basically, you never allow things to get out of control.

As soon as any child is capable of comprehending (which I think is about 9-12 months of age), it should be enforced that when you say "no" - that is actually what you mean and the action in progress should cease. Immediately. Not after 3 more attempts, but immediately. Every child can understand this is if after a "NO" from you, the toy or object is taken away immediately. The connection is made amazingly quickly - if a "no" is not heeded, the behavior will be made to end, no negotiations.

"Honey, I'm not going to tell you again, please stop that," or "I've told you five times now, give the toy back!" is you being simply wasting your breath and being ineffective. You've said it once and it wasn't obeyed, then you make sure that what you want stopped is indeed stopped by you. Why parents spend time negotiating bad behaviors with two year olds, I will never know.

There are merely two rules to this in my book.

You have to be absolutely fair. You have to be consistent, no matter the place or time.

Whether we're talking about children, peers, friends, or even animals, fairness and consistency are crucial components of training. If you tell a dog to sit, and he usually obeys on

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