by Adele Gregory

Created on: November 21, 2009

We all like the idea of having control over our environment and what happens to us. But when we speak of someone being controlling in their relationships, we are talking about a person who tries to restrict their loved ones' independence and power of choice. These habits are more than tiresome or irritating. Over time they can become oppressive or worse. Controlling behaviours are part of a cluster associated with aggression and domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, controlling or aggressive tendencies tend to surface once the relationship is established and escalate as time goes on. But there can be early warning signs.

One indicator to listen for is what psychologists call externalizing. Highly controlling people tend to blame other people or outside forces for their problems and have difficulty acknowledging any wrongdoing on their part. Even when it's clear that they did not behave well, you're apt to hear that someone or something made them act that way.

Criticism of others which is severe or dismissive is another area to watch, especially if it's accompanied by unfounded accusations. Controlling people are not always able to separate right and wrong from what they like and dislike, so what pleases them is seen as good and right, and what displeases them becomes wrong, evil or stupid. When they're personally involved in situations, they can have trouble seeing any other sides to the story or points of view.

Jealousy is a classic warning sign and can extend to your relationship with friends and family members. But long before this emerges, you might start to hear unkind comments about things you enjoy such as your social life, work, hobbies or even favourite tv programs. These behaviours are more about envy than possessiveness. Controlling people can be highly sensitive to feeling left out, to the point where they believe that if they can't enjoy something, nobody should.

The signs of a potentially controlling partner aren't limited to subtle psychological cues. Sometimes the control is quite obvious as in get your coat, we're leaving. At other times it might be a failure to include you in what should be joint decisions or not asking permission before using your things or committing your time.

The last set of signs is not about your partner but what you may observe about yourself. Do you find you're often having to explain or defend yourself and your friends? Do you feel guiltier and apologize more than you normally would? Do you pretend to agree and go along with things you don't want in order to keep the peace? Are you keeping more to yourself than you normally do? Do you ever feel frightened or intimidated by this person?

Both members of a relationship should have the space and safety to blossom. Your partner or family member may have many good qualities. But if you have to hide or sacrifice more and more of your own life and things that are important to you to avoid their anger, and if avoiding their anger becomes the first thing you think of making decisions, the relationship has become a controlling one for you.

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