by Jane Kay

Created on: November 19, 2009

This is a loaded question.

It completely depends on you and your ex.

Let's assume one thing: you and your ex broke up for a good reason.

The reason could be anything so long as it's a valid reason, like he bored you, she bored you, she cheated, he cheated, you caught the ex in a lie, her family hated you, or she stole money from you. I don't care as long as there was some valid reason the relationship ended, and it's not because one party went MIA for 2 years or was institutionalized.

Well, from this point, the answer to this question depends entirely on two factors.

First, were you friends to begin with?

Be honest in answering this question. You'd be surprised how many people were in love, in lust, or seriously attracted to one another. Other couples dated because one was on the rebound, or felt lonely that month, or you were the only person interested in him/her. But looking over your relationship, were you friends? Did you build a true friendship? Was he/she your best friend?

If your answer is no - then in my opinion, chances are unlikely that you will become friends after a breakup. If you couldn't build a friendship during the relationship, then I don't know what your purpose would be in trying to build a friendship now. If two people were meant to be friends, never mind lovers, the friendship should have formed long ago.

If your answer is yes - read on.

Second, can you let go of whatever the reason is that you broke up?

Again, know thyself. If he cheated on you with your sister, can you seriously forgive AND forget this? Really? If it turned out that she was married and that is why you broke up, can you really not dwell on this fact? Whatever the reason is, if it still hurts and still irks you - you cannot be friends with your ex, at least not at this current time.

One other question that you should ask yourself is whether you should be friends with your ex.

All of us have experience remnant feelings about another person, long after a breakup. I can think of relationships where the breakup was calm and there was no reason to hate one another. Worse, looking back, as you mature you realize that was actually a good relationship. If we try to build a friendship now, is that wise? Would the friendship turn back into a relationship? Would it work this time, or will it fail for the same reason it failed before?

My take on this is simple.

When I harbor no emotions whatsoever against my ex and I miss the friendship we had (and not the relationship), I am ready to be friends with my ex. Generally speaking, if I had a hard time getting along with an ex during the relationship, I have found it to be a waste of time trying to be friends. If two people cannot co-exist peacefully during a relationship, then the friendship will be just as tumultuous and the feelings you experienced during the relationship will reemerge and make you miserable.

Waste of time.

One last thing to consider if your new love interest. Many men and women will not like the idea of you and your ex being best friends. I can't tell you how many relationships have encountered obstacles on account of this. Frankly, to me, it's not worth it. Sure, there's something to be said about a man or woman who is so insecure that the idea of a good friendship between two exes is inconceivable, but one thing is true: old habits die hard. It's too easy to fall back into relationship mode with your ex that in many cases, it's best to let a dead relationship die and look for friendship elsewhere.

For instance, friends you were never sexually attracted to would be a good start.

Learn more about this author, Jane Kay.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.