Boys and Internet Porn: Biking Without Brakes
Despite parental supervision, by age eleven most boys collide with today's extreme Internet pornography. As a non-parent with absolutely no interest in pornography, I was surprised to learn what a dodgy combination tweens and Internet porn can be.
I host a website on intimate relationships. It includes research about the effects of sexual stimulation on a primitive, rather delicate, part of the brain, which is at the heart of our drives and moods. It's called the reward circuitry, and it's also at the core of all addictions.
That was enough for Google to send swarms of desperate men to my forum seeking to overcome porn addiction. (Of course women can get hooked, too, but it is a greater problem for men at the moment.) Many are in their twenties, kind-hearted, despondent, and hooked on porn since their teen years, or earlier.
When they try to quit, they suffer severe cravings as well as physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms: shaking, pounding headaches, insomnia, lack of focus, depression, anxiety, irritability, paranoia, mood swings, self-defeating thinking, etc. This misery goes on for weeks. Relapse is very likely, especially for the first two months.
Recently, I asked one of them what he would tell tweens if he could:
"Porn is very seductive. It's free (mostly); it is not illegal (mostly); there are many easy ways to get it; and the cops do not come looking for you. But you can lose what makes you YOU. You put off doing things, helping family and socializing. You become a slave. You will not be able to control it. It will consume you. You may not believe me, but all of that can happen."
"I did not start driving till I was almost 30 because I didn't need to get out, or go anywhere. I had all the digital sex I needed. The faster my Internet connection, the more time I watched porn. I lost so much of my time, my life. What could I have done with all that time?"
Explaining the risks of today's Internet porn to kids is not only awkward; it's a tricky business. Shaming or forbidding them can make the problem worse, for reasons explained below. Here are some key concepts:
Internet porn alters the brain ... fast
Internet pornography isn't just a series of kicks. Each experience releases a cascade of neurochemicals in the brain. The more released the stronger the connections they form between nerve cells. Strong neural pathways ensure that the user remembers, and repeats, stimulating experiences.
Why? Our genes like it when we make babies (or even practice). The brain swiftly anchors not only the neurochemical rush of arousal and climax, but also anything connected with the event. Common triggers associated with Internet porn might be: seeing a sexy ad, finding oneself up later than the rest of the family, turning on the computer and having a search engine pop up, and so forth.
These simple cues can cause the reward circuitry to direct the rest of the brain toward its newly wired priority. Unfortunately, when our reward circuitry shifts into high gear, the rational parts of the brain tend to step aside so "golden opportunities" are not lost.
The brain is plastic, which means it's surprisingly malleable. Just as intense heat melts plastic very fast, so Internet porn wires the brain very quickly. A picture of a naked body can get the reward circuitry a-hummin', but a video of naked person...or three...engaging in literally unimaginable acts can completely hijack the primitive brain. It shifts into overdrive. Such an experience can swiftly supplant less intense sexual memories. Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog now seems bland. So may schoolwork or interacting with friends and family.
Shaming kids makes porn more compelling
Young brains are far more plastic (impressionable) than adult brains. This is one reason why parents want to avoid shaming kids about porn use. Guilt and threats "supercharge" pornography by linking it with intense emotions, such as fear, the thrill of secrecy, or the risk of "sin." Reprimands can jolt kids with extra adrenaline. Such powerful, fear-based emotions dump more neurochemicals into the brain. The highs get more intense, and the lows afterward more distressing.
When a child feels bad, he's more likely to reach for something compelling to forget his misery. A demanding habit can arise faster than ever. Even as an adult, a user who was shamed as a child may seek out "forbidden" or "shameful" activities simply because they are associated with sexual arousal. (Think Ted Haggard.)
The makings of compulsion
Shouldn't extreme Internet porn mean a user would need less of it to ease his sexual frustration? In fact, it's the reverse. The more intense the initial blast of neurochemical excitement, the lower the lows, and the more intense the urge for "relief" afterward.
A Dutch scientist analyzing brain scans of men ejaculating commented that they looked like scans of people shooting heroin. What goes up must come down. The more intense the highs (with the help of Internet porn), the more unsettling the lows as the brain recovers.
Eventually, it's not about the "highs" at all. A frequent user may find he uses pornography compulsively to "self-medicate" the miserable lows in each cycle. That's when he is hooked...just like a drug user.
Without exception, my porn-hooked website visitors escalated from soft-core porn to material so shocking that they can't believe they're even watching it. The brain's reward circuitry seeks more and more extreme stimulation because over-stimulation desensitizes it. This is why drug addicts take more and more drugs.
What upper limit is there for a porn user? As long as he can stay awake and click his mouse, he can stave off withdrawal distress. This is why many men don't even realize they're hooked.
"Bored? Masturbation. Angry? Masturbation. Sad? Masturbation. Stressed? Masturbation. I went from being the first of my class to the very bottom, until I dropped out for good. I found a Web job, making good money with my porn one click away. This was my life, and I didn't recognize I had an addiction until I had surgery and masturbation wasn't an option for fifteen days. On day three, I was literally shaking, and I began to connect the dots."
Novelty-on-demand and outdated brains
One of the most treacherous features of Internet pornography is its endless variety. Research reveals that "novelty-on-demand," that is, the opportunity to pull a slot machine lever for a chance to win, or click to another screen to see something new and perhaps startling, is beguiling. "Just one more, and then I'll stop!"
With each click, there's an instant of tantalizing anticipation. It equates with the release of a neurochemical called dopamine, which the brain finds nearly irresistible. When rats were wired so they could press a lever to stimulate the reward circuitry (as dopamine does), they hit the lever until they dropped - ignoring eager mates (if male) or their own unweaned pups (if female). Over-stimulated reward circuitry can put us on "autopilot."
Internet porn registers as a high-value experience in part because, genetically speaking, a real private harem from around the world would be a prize. Variety is the spice of life-for genes, too. Diverse mates decrease the risk of inbreeding and improve the diversity of offspring.
However, our hunter-gatherer brain evolved when sex with a novel partner was a rare genetic bonanza. Today, a young guy can watch hundreds of extreme sex acts in one afternoon. It's like a steady supply of cocaine, when our brain is more suited to a steady supply of green tea-and the occasional nip of something stronger if opportunity knocks.
Kids need more information
Nothing has prepared the ancient part of the human brain to cope with today's Internet pornography. We can't stop porn, but we can understand more about what's going on in the brain and find ways to explain it to kids.
Internet porn is assumed to be just another step beyond Playboy. Actually, it's a leap off a cliff into an alien world of hyper-stimulation. That's why using Internet porn can be like jumping on a bike with no brakes. Maybe a guy can stop, maybe he can't.
MORE RESOURCES:
The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge (This book explains how the brain learns. It includes a chapter on porn and discusses its effects on young, plastic minds.)
Things You Didn't Know About Porn by BodyWisdom (This is a science-based, inexpensive audiobook for boys and their parents on the risks of Internet porn.)
The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable North American Appetite, by David Kessler (This new book about food addiction describes in depth the same mechanisms in the brain that also make Internet porn addictive.)
Mean Genes: From Sex to Money to Food, Taming Our Primal Instincts by Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan (This book is a hilarious, informative look at the reward circuitry of the brain and how it can drive our choices without our awareness. It doesn't address porn directly.)