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Learning to be assertive was difficult for me because I grew up in a home where it was instilled in me to be respectful of my elders. So I confused assertiveness with respecting your elders. I thought it was disrespectful to stand up for my rights with people. So I was quite submissive for many years before I realized that one has to be assertive in order to be mentally healthy and happy. I did a lot of research and took classes on assertiveness and learned that there is a big difference between submissiveness, assertiveness and aggressiveness.

I could never be aggressive as it is not in my nature to hurt other people's feelings. Nor can I be rude to other people unless it is in self defense such as being aggressive with a purse snatcher. Which I would not recommend at my age; however, when I was young I did become aggressive with a purse snatcher and was able to prevent the criminal (a kid) from taking my purse.

To be assertive means to ask for what you need. To respect the other person but to make it clear that you have rights too. For instance, I had a friend that was always late for an appointment with me. She would show up for our dinner appointments anywhere from 1 to 2 hours late. She would apologize but continued the bad habit of being late. So I told her that in the future I would wait hour but no more. The next appointment we made she was late and I waited the hour and then left. She called me the following morning very upset because I didn't wait for her. I told her that I had previously warned her that I would only wait for an hour and then would leave. She did not respect my needs. Eventually, I had to make the decision not to be her friend because she continued to be late to all our dinner appointments without taking in consideration that I was hungry and needed to eat on time.

Other places I learned to be assertive were at restaurants, sending the food back when it was not cooked well. Returning items purchased at department stores that did not fit or were damaged. Appealing decisions made by governmental organizations, such as Social Security and Medicare; asserting my rights with my relatives, when they asked for the impossible such as driving them to places when I had a medical or dental appointment which I could not cancel.

There are many times when some people think that been submissive is better because you don't have to confront the issue, but I learned from personal experience that you lose your self respect and people don't respect you unless you are assertive.

Learn more about this author, Naty Rosado.
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