by Kim Russell

Created on: November 18, 2009

When you judge someone else, you define yourself, not them. (Paraphrased from Dr. Wayne Dyer.) During the course of my life I have tended to be a very opinionated person. For those on the receiving end of my strong opinions, it has felt more like judgment, and rightfully so. For example, when I told my sister-in-law that her then 6-year-old daughter needed to be in competitive sports and not just in cheerleading, she very forcefully told me that if I wanted to raise a daughter I should have one of my own. By kindly offering up my opinion/judgment, instead of assessing her abilities as a mother, I was only defining myself as an intolerant, elitist, I know better than you, know-it-all. Good for her for getting back in my face. Not only was it a justifiable response, it was a well-needed one.

Judgment of others is so effortless. Self-examination is difficult and painful. Human nature leads us down the easier path. Add to that the dynamics of a family system, and we are definitely left with a recipe for in-fighting, misunderstandings and, in the extreme, major splits. When people, any people, but especially family members, spend that much time together and have access to so much information about the others' lives, we are naturally prone to voice our unrequested opinions and judgments. We always fight with those we love the most. I felt compelled to tell my sister-in-law what her daughter needed because I love my niece so much and I was doing it for her sake and well-being. B.S. I did it because I needed my sister-in-law to undergo a sudden epiphany brought on by my brilliance, and appreciate and admire me so much for saving her daughter from all forms of natural disaster that would certainly befall her without my intervention.

Why are family members so judgmental? Because they love us, and because they can be. They want what is best for us and, because they know us so well, and yet are also so very objective, they feel compelled to tell us exactly what it is we are doing wrong or, at the very least, what we could do better. By doing so, however, according to Dr. Dyer, they are only defining themselves as persons who need to be needed, to be important, and to be right. Seems like a natural consequence of being a human being in a family and community oriented society.

Feeling judged, however, is not a good feeling; unless, of course, it is a good judgment, but good judgment doesn't get much air play, now does it? When harsh judgment rains down on our shoulders,

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