by Anthony Piccirillo

Created on: November 18, 2009

Relationships, although they can great, they can also be heart-wrenching. It is important to know that they can serve as a great learning tool for us. Learning from relationships can be about mistakes that were made and how to avoid them in the future but it can also be about getting to know ones self.

When a relationship ends because he or she cheated, or something else of a malicious nature, it is easy to leave with lots of anger, sorrow and regrets. These types of emotions do not always lead to constructive thinking. Other times, relationships just do not work out, period. For one reason or another, two individuals decide that their time is best spent apart. The emotions generated given this type of circumstance are more of disappointment and confusion. These emotions are not necessarily going to lead to anything constructive either.

The key here is to neither focus on yourself, nor the other person, rather the situation. Forget about obsessing over one of the partners not being good enough for the other or anything else of that nature. Sit down, take a deep breath and think to yourself: why did this not work out? In what ways were we not compatible? What things must I have that this person did not provide? What things do I hate that this person was accustomed to? Start to form a list of things that are a must for you and, conversely, things that you deem undesirable.

With those ideas in your head, start observing those around you. Size people up and figure out if these ideals are reasonable or not. Does it seem possible that other people could or could not be different in this way? At this point some ideals may have to be vetoed, but new ideas will come as well. Consider spending a lot of time around a devoted married couple. Conversely, also spend some time around people that are happily single. Work with what people are available, no rules are set in stone. Continue to develop and refine a list of likes and dislikes.

Start to think about the problems encountered in previous relationships. If poor communication was an issue, decide if you observe others that really seem to tell each other everything. If lack of affection was an issue, decide if others openly embrace one and other. Everyone has a different definition of what is considered a good amount of communication or a good amount of affection. By observing others, and taking a lot of data into consideration, it is easier to gauge whether your ideals are reasonable, or not.

The idea is to learn to know what to look for based on your own idea of what is just. More importantly, know what makes you happy. When future potential partners come along, size them up with your new specific criteria. Don't get too carried away, but resist settling for obvious things that are just not acceptable. For anyone to better get to know themselves can be one of the most difficult things to accomplish, but, even a little new knowledge from a past relationship can make a huge difference in approaching future ones.

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