by Stacy Kess

Created on: November 17, 2009

I'll tell ya, there's something wrong with people today.

In 1957, there was one star of Thanksgiving: me. The big old bird. But not anymore. Now there's Tofurkey.

That's right, Turtle Island Foods, Inc., is trying to put me out of the job. In 1995, they created this Tofurkey Roast, suited for vegetarians because it's made out of, of all things, soy.

What's next? A Tofurkey float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? No! It's a turkey you want to see! A turkey!

Ah, sure, the vegan and vegetarian crew deserve to eat something other than mashed potatoes and green bean casserole on the Big Day. But I have my little poults to think of. Who's going to pay for them to go to the best farms when I'm unemployed? Who's going to pay for their health insurance? What about my 401K?

Turkey's have a job to do: be the centerpiece of every Thanksgiving meal. We should be slow roasted, basted regularly and stuffed to perfection. I speak for all my feathered brethren when I say that it's our destiny to be on your table.

But with Tofurkey on the market, it's a possibility that might not happen. And I'm scared. I'm scared featherless.

They claim to be delicious. Well, let me tell you, a perfectly cooked Turkey, the way your mom makes it, is just as delicious. And it's the real thing.

Look, folks, these are tough times for everyone, turkeys included. I personally took a big hit last year when I was told I wasn't "ready" for the Big Day, that I needed another year to grow. I said, now wait a minute. I've been working my tail feathers off for years to star in the Thanksgiving feast, and you're passing me up? But the farmer said, in these tough economic times, only the biggest birds at the best price are attractive. That's what I get for being a grain-fed organic turkey. Boy, I should have joined a union.

I'm not telling you that you shouldn't consider cooking something for your 19-year-old daughter with the pierced nose who just came home from college and announced she's a vegan. But I'm telling you not to pass up your old friend, the bird.

Yeah, Thanksgiving is about family togetherness and being thankful for the things you have. I've even heard it's about some Pilgrims and Native Americans getting together a few years back and celebrating a harvest and peace. Forget all that. It's about the food, specifically the turkey.

So today, I'm standing up for turkey rights and saying, buy the bird. Buy the biggest turkey you can find. Heat your oven to 325 degrees, stuff the heck out of the turkey and cook it 30 minutes per pound. Make sure it reaches the right temperature inside, and that it's golden brown outside. Carve it up and serve it with plenty of gravy.

Support your feathered friends. This Thanksgiving, eat a turkey.

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