For some children, the social skills necessary for elementary school success seem innate. These students are the ones for whom social acceptance comes easily. Their elementary school years are filled with satisfying relationships and multiple opportunities to win the approval of those around them. They find it easy to make and keep friendships and have the kind of magnetic personality that draws others to them. These children effortlessly gain group approval and develop a following of kids who emulate them and look up to them as peer role models.
Where does the socially acceptable child's skill set come from? Many child psychologists believe it to be a combination of nature and nurture; a genetic predisposition for a likeable personality in combination with good social skills being taught at home. With no apparent deficits in mental, emotional, or physical development, these children are able to forge ahead with no impediments to their social success.
But for many elementary age children, heading off to school is a frightening experience that is frequently intensified by learning disabilities, mental health issues, shyness, and introverted personalities. They are the ones who are either shunned and ignored, or picked on and made the brunt of cruel jokes and mean-spirited tricks. Other children who are considered popular often pick on students who are the "misfits" because it gains them attention and elevates their social status among their friends.
Students with disabilities struggle with many of the normative behaviors that are frequently associated with a child who is well-adjusted and well-liked. ADHD children often miss social cues or are left out because they appear much less emotionally mature than others. Learning disabled students may struggle with verbal classroom participation and be laughed at or labeled "dumb." due to the ways they communicate. Students who exhibit high levels of anxiety are frequently the last to be picked for playground sports or avoided all together because they act "weird."
Elementary aged children can be very "black and white" about what is considered "normal" and what is considered "different." "Different" often means unacceptable and the child who is seen as different may be socially rejected by his peers.
If elementary aged children who struggle socially are to have the opportunity to overcome disabilities and learn appropriate social cues and manners, they must be taught to do so. Here are some tips for helping them develop the social skills needed for success.
1. Teach the importance of eye contact. An elementary student needs to learn that when he is being spoken to, or wishes to speak to someone else, that his eye contact signals his attentiveness both as speaker and listener.
2. Teach the importance of listening. A school-aged child needs to be taught to listen, without interrupting, to what others have to say. He can also learn to use "reflective listening skills" as a means of validating the speaker's thoughts and feelings. These skills include mirroring back and reflecting feelings that are heard.
3. Teach the importance of "waiting your turn." Butting in line and pushing boundaries in order to always be first can cause peers to ostracize the student who is being a "bully" or is "too pushy."
4. Teach the importance of saying, "I'm sorry." Every child needs to understand that he must accept responsibility for hurting another individual. When a student does something wrong and breaks either a classroom rule or a social norm, he must be taught to admit that he is at fault and to ask for forgiveness from the individual he has wronged. Children who grow up never admitting wrong tend to become narcissistic adults.
5. Teach the importance of reading facial expressions and determining "social cues." Elementary age students need to be able to identify a frown, a look of fear, an expression of sadness. Reading social cues helps the child to learn to empathize with what his peers feel. A child who does not understand the innuendoes of social interaction will use inappropriate responses that will earn him the disapproval and dislike of those around him.
6. Teach the importance of understanding what a child feels and how to express those feelings in an appropriate way. It is important for the grade school aged child to learn to value the feelings of others, even as he learns to healthfully express his own.
7. Teach the importance of trying to work out conflicts with other children without "tattling." Help a child to understand that although there are moments when it is not only appropriate, but necessary for him to report another child's behavior to an adult, he also needs to learn to work things out on his own or sometimes just let it go.
8. Teach the importance of honesty. An elementary child frequently fabricates stories to impress others. Help him to understand that this is lying and that those who lie end up losing friendships and develop a reputation for not being "trustworthy."
9. Teach the importance of sharing. Help an elementary child understand the idea that sharing with others will cause others to want to share with him, as well. A child who shares is a highly coveted friend because he puts his friendship above selfish desires.
10. Teach the child the importance of saying, "Thank you." Manners are an important part of building successful social skills in elementary children. When a child says "thank you," he expresses appreciation to another person for something that has been given to him or done for him. A child who says, "thank you," is a child who is learning to be relational.
The earliest lessons in social skill success are modeled by family members who show respect, listen, empathize, read social cues appropriately, and say, "I'm sorry." Those students, who do not learn through modeling alone, can receive instruction in appropriate social skill building. Parents should discuss the importance of rudimentary social skills with their child and then help the child brainstorm ways to use the new skills in school and at play. Teachers can help students experience success through social skill building exercises that are incorporated into the elementary curriculum.
Role-play is another effective tool that can be used to demonstrate social skills in action. There are also numerous workbooks available to supplement what a parent teaches. School teachers frequently use workbooks to help elementary students understand tips for social success by reading each skill set and then seeing it illustrated in a pictorial fashion.
Social skills are essential for the elementary student's success in getting along with others. Learning social skills is just as important as learning to read, write, and do math. Helping an elementary child to succeed socially at school can make the difference between his success and failure during these formative years. Whether you are a parent or a teacher, you can help a child learn the skills to turn reticence into confidence and social deficits into life-long friendships.