by Wendy Andersen

Created on: November 15, 2009

How awful this feeling. Despair. It takes hold deep inside, where heart and mind is one. How many times has this feeling gripped me, filling my heart with its pain, choking me, dragging all hope away? Fighting back at this emotion takes so much of my life-force. I live it, breathe it, and sleep with it. The feeling is reborn upon awakening to another hopeless day. Why? What is happening? Life! That's it. Fortunately, with time, it will recede - this very thought I try to plant in my mind to ease the pain in my heart, but it does not stay for long.

In the depths of despair, this heart aches as no other ache. No tears come. How can this aching heart beat on? Nothing else can take the place of this hopelessness. So many misfortunes, and with each new dismay, this feeling of despair takes a stronger hold. I try to summon images of happier days, but they are so difficult to grasp.

Will I ever climb out of this dark hole; do I see a light far away? It gives a glimmer of hope to catch hold of. Yes, I think, I will defeat it yet again. There are others to think of, to care for and love. If only I could awaken the pleasure it has given me in the past. At this very moment in time I can care for no one, I have lost my desire to give. Locking myself away, each day passes without change. I look to the sky, bright out there, but no sound of laughter lifts the mood of my emptiness.

Who will give me strength to take a step towards the light of hope? There is no one. I am all alone. Yet, let not the day pass by without embracing this chance. Grip these hands, nails dig at the flesh, feel the pain. With real pain, not the aching pain inside, I may awaken. A tear may fall. The despair will ease. A fleeting thought from happier days crawls its way to the surface, trying to escape through the fog, only to be smothered by a black cloak of sadness.

Is it possible to live amongst others when despair is so deep? I cannot call for help; my throat is dry, unwilling to utter a single sound. I do not have the strength to scream out loud, I can only scream inside my head. Wait, what was that, my ears do not deceive me. I heard a sound! Oh, is this a glimmer of hope to be grasped. I wait breathing fast, and shallow, my ears straining, but no other sound comes to me. After long lonely minutes I realize it was my own attempt at a cry, a cry for help. I will try again tomorrow, if I wake...

As I lay very still, eyes still focusing, I realize this is a new day. What was that promise I made to myself - to try again, to make a sound. Desperation grips my very being, I must not suffer this despair or I will fade away. Lost and forgotten, missed by only a few. I lift this heavy body, sway with weakness, drag a foot and catch hold of a chair. Moving slowly, my eyes staring at the door, my throat still refuses to utter a sound. I will my arm to rise and my hand stretches towards the door, and I must rest against it. The effort was great, but desperation I find is better than despair, now I need to do something. The door is not locked, and turning the handle, it opens and light floods in, the light of hope; I stumble forward. Salty tears meet my lips, though I utter no sound.

Something brushes past my legs, returns and sits beside me. My faithful, loving friend looks up with worried eyes. He has missed me. Slipping down the wall, I grip the soft fur and brush it across my face. A smile forms on my lips as tears stream down my cheeks. A wet silky tongue licks away my tears. I have feelings rushing back - confusion, relief and sadness. My friend and I lay against each other and I know I can carry on.

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