by Mark Hurley

Created on: November 15, 2009

It has been a while since I have felt that I had anything to be thankful for, not just at Thanksgiving, but anytime of the year. My father died of cancer back in 1976 and I have had a resentment against him, god, and life ever since. My son I do not get to see anymore and haven't since 2000, what a resentment there, against me and his mother, my ex. Really, the reason she quit letting me see him was the use of drugs and alcohol, which i have partaken of for lots of years. That's a crushing blow to know, that I can no longer blame all my self-perceived troubles and problems on anyone else and not having been a responsible adult for so long, it is a different way of thinking that I am trying to follow. My mother says I am 52 going on 18 and she is right. As I look at how I think and feel it is as if I am still 17 and I do think as a teen would back in the 70's.

Now I am trying to see and accept things as they were or are, my father died because he had cancer, not because he was doing it to punish me in any way and there was no god that had anything to do with it. He was in the military back in the Korean war and volunteered to watch 2 atomic bomb tests and also volunteered to get up front as close as they would allow. His cancer, which has been finally admitted to, was had by many that did the same thing he did, doing what he was supposed to do at the time for the army. Now, they say this type of cancer was caused by watching those tests and being radiated. I can finally admit and I do not know why, come to terms with his death, what a lot of years of hate and resentment I spent on this. I am thankful that part of me is gone.

My son is another story, there was a lot of animosity between his mother and I, but I think the real reason she will not allow me to see him is for his own safety, because of my drinking and using. I can now kinda see that and that is where my greatest hurdle is, trying to not resent myself and have so much self-loathing about myself over. But, I am now trying to have acceptance of the facts about myself and how over the many years, I have hurt the people that loved and cared for me the most. For that I am very thankful, that I am becoming willing to look at myself and see where I have been the one that wronged others, not the one being wronged. I accept the fact that it may take a life-time to do this, but as long as I am moving forward, I will be ok. I went to a birthday party yesterday for a great niece and it was the first time in a long time I felt a part of my family, not their fault but mine, I have shut them out for years.

So, today and I am very thankful that I did not die on the streets or at some of the places I have been known to frequent, before I came to terms with myself or at least started down that journey. It will be a rough and bumpy road, but if I keep acceptance of myself and keep looking at myself, I can continue this journey. I am thankful for the journey I have decided to take.

Learn more about this author, Mark Hurley.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.