by Carlson Montour

Created on: November 13, 2009

Do you want to become a better listener? Have others complained that you don't listen to them? There are some behaviors you can learn that will leave others feeling satisfied that you heard what they had to say.

The first step to acquiring listening skills is to determine what attributes make one a good listener. Think of someone you consider to be a good listener. What is it about the ways they respond to you that make you feel you have been heard and understood? Chances are it will be difficult to put into words what they do that makes them an effective listener. This article will highlight some of these traits and offer practical suggestions for use in everyday conversations.

-Genuineness. An effective listener must possess a genuine interest in what the other person is saying. There are no skills to learn that can substitute for a real desire to understand what is being said. Fortunately, there are skills one can learn that will demonstrate one's genuine interest in what is being communicated.

To demonstrate your genuine interest in what is being said, your body language will speak more loudly than any words you speak. Sit facing the person you are talking to. Make frequent eye contact. Do not allow yourself to be distracted or pre-occupied. Uncross your arms and legs to behaviorally demonstrate your openness to the conversation. Ask open-ended questions that elicit more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer.

-Empathy. In order to understand what another person is trying to communicate, it is essential that the listener be able to put themselves in the other person's shoes and experience what they experience. Look beyond the words and pay attention to the feelings. Nothing puts an end to a conversation more quickly than unacknowledged feelings.

Empathy can be conveyed by comments such as, You must be very proud of your daughter. Your face just lights up when you talk about her or That must have been a difficult situation to be in. Often, simply reflecting back your understanding of their situation will validate the other person's feelings and enable them to continue on with the conversation. Keep the focus on the other person. Empathy is just a way of letting them know you are paying attention and trying to understand.

-Respect. Be accepting, especially of feelings. Be non-judgmental. Don't invalidate feelings with comments like, "You shouldn't feel that way." Let the speaker know that their feelings are neither right nor wrong.

Refrain from giving unsolicited advice

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