by Lola Kew

Created on: November 13, 2009

The chances are many of us know somebody who experienced domestic violence as a child, whether we are aware of it or not. At a time in their lives when they most needed to be loved and nurtured, these people were instead witnessing the physical, verbal, mental and/or sexual abuse of a parent, the effects of which may plague them to this day.

The relationship our parents have with each other is widely accepted to play a huge role in our views on and attitudes towards relationships as adults. For this reason, children who witness volatile and abusive relationships between their parents are much more likely to become involved in such dysfunctional relationships as adults. As children we have no points of comparison to allow us to say: "This is not how parents usually behave." So it stands to reason that children in violent homes carry on these destructive behaviours in their adult lives - they know no differently.

A young boy who regularly sees his father beat or berate his mother, for example, may believe that this is completely normal in adult relationships and go on to abuse his partner in the same way as an adult. Likewise, young girls who observe their mothers as passive victims of violence may believe that they should behave in such a way in their own adult relationships. Even though life experience may eventually tell them that this is in fact not healthy, entrenched patterns of lifelong behaviour and long-held beliefs can be intensely difficult to break and the cycle of abuse can go on for generations.

Conversely, children who witness abusive relationships can grow to become very reticent adults. Fear of repeating their parent's behaviour, whether as victim or perpetrator, can leave people unable to form intimate relationships, which can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration.

Trust issues are closely linked to this problem; people may not be able to let go of the fear that a partner may become abusive, which can be upsetting for both parties and destroy relationships. A woman's reasoning may be that if her father, who loved her and whom she trusted unquestioningly, betrayed her so badly, then any man is capable of doing so. Equally, a person may feel betrayed by what they perceive as their mother's failure to protect them, and may feel that if they can't trust their mother, they can't trust anybody. Reassurances from partners can often fall on deaf ears, putting strain on relationships and causing distress to well-intentioned loved ones who feel

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