by Lola Kew

Created on: November 12, 2009

"I don't know how people can do that to themselves."

My friend cringes and shakes her head as the young girl on the television drags a blade across her arm and a drop of blood hits the floor. It's a sentiment that many people share with my good friend. For most, pain is something to be avoided and to inflict it upon oneself seems unnatural. But there are a few, myself included, who look this same young girl, razor in hand, and see not self-mutilation but utter relief.

Now I'm no advocate of self harm and my many scars are testament to its destructive effects. But in the moment, I can feel the pressure physically building up and looking for a way out and if it doesn't find one, I fear I will explode at any second. The discomfort is excruciating and I pace the floor or rock back and forth hoping it will subside but it needs to come out. I could scream, but people will hear. I could punch a wall, but people will see. So I do the only thing that relieves the pressure - I cut myself. And when the blade parts my skin, I can almost hear the tension escaping from my veins, like letting air out of an over-inflated tyre. The relief is only temporary, but for the few moments before the pain kicks in, there is only me and a razor in the world. Absolutely nothing can reach me and it's the most intoxicating feeling I have ever known.

That's why I cut, but of course I can't speak for everybody; I have heard many reasons why people turn to cutting. While it takes an argument or other particularly high-stress situation to push me over the edge, some find that cutting is the only way they can surpress painful feelings or memories, and others may turn to cutting as a way of punishing themselves. For some, it can be a reaction to a strong hatred of themselves or their bodies, and for others it is a way of showing people the pain they are unable to voice. And, of course, it may be all or none of the above.

However, none of these reasons actually explain cutting. Why do people feel the need to punish themselves in the first place, for example? Why do I respond to an argument in this way, as opposed to counting to ten in a quiet place? In my experience, there are a few reasons.

The most important one, I feel, is that psychological cornerstone, control. If we don't feel we have control, all hell can break loose in our minds and we're naturally inclined to try to wrestle it back at all costs. A young girl subjected to a childhood of abuse could be forgiven for wanting to claim back

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